Void

Voids are no short of black-holes. They suck up life out of you. These voids could be outcome of anything, place, memory, person, opportunities you missed. 

It is as if something dark, destructive thing happening to you, that feeling that chokes you, that negativity which comes out of nowhere & surrounds you. It is as if like some mighty anaconda is squeezing & gulping you down. You can actually feel that breaking sound. That breaking sound is your own – you are breaking…bit by bit. You are helpless, hapless and hopeless in void.

In fact there in nothing that you feel in void. Even the feelings, emotions get sucked up in void. There is no way back out of it. You try to dodge it only to fall in another void. 

What is more frustrating is the cost which you paid willingly but it was not worth it. Everything seems unworthy. You have to pay cost for your dreams, your happiness but these elude you despite paying up that cost (in fact more than that). That is double whammy for you. You are no short of pauper since you paid that cost and you did not even get what you deserve.

When for every small thing, you pay such cost, you are pushed inch-by inch towards that void. And there comes a day when you realise you absolutely own nothing. That is void. That sinking feeling…

But still you have to get up and get going only in hope that coming time could be better than this. This “positive”, “get going” too may seem farce. So be it, if that the only thing that may help.

Worst feelings, no feelings, feeling euphoric are all part and parcel of this mystery called life. Life is that mystical thing that lures you. Problem is you are addicted to it and do not want to give up despite these voids. 

That vacuum is not going to get filled. Do not even bother to do it. Just try to survive it, because some days you don’t have to live….some days you just have to survive. And survival of the fittest is the basic law of the nature. Survive, come back strong, you got this!

Heart-breaks are new normal!

And now it is becoming a recurrent phenomenon, those weird nightmares, and those pressures of varied nature right from your age to your monetary standing to your relationship status. That keeps you up every single night. You don’t do much; rather you cannot do much than to stare at the ceiling and that dim light at night. That is one phase of extreme neutrality. No thoughts, no emotions, no rest, no good night sleep. And honestly that is how worst it can get.

It is difficult to live a life which you never desired for yourself. It is even more difficult to put up a brave face every single day and keep going, keep smiling as if nothing happened last night. And that is heart breaking. It is heart breaking because you are no more a person you want to be or that you try but fail. It is heart breaking, for two poles apart try to fit inside you.

It is one heck of excruciating pain which cannot be put in words. You feel like you are being cut into pieces and deep down you know there really isn’t anything that can heal you. These heart breaks are persistent.

It starts with a day – you get up to get ready to go the job which you really do not want to do; you do all that stuff that you had avoided all this while; you read, talk and laugh at things which you are not even willing to give much shit about, so as fit in that circle; you don’t get to see your besties more often; you talk to a guy/girl for whom you have developed strong, serious feelings but cannot say this to that person because you think it may damage your relation or that there might not really be any relation if you do so; you keep munching on that junk which you had consciously avoided before; you don't save a penny; you shop impulsively expecting it to fill your emptiness; you don’t believe that you can fight any more or you don’t see & pursue your dream. And the list goes on….

These are the moments when you can actually feel your heart breaking. No, there is no crackling sound or any audible sign of it. And yes it is only you who know this. This struggle constantly tears you apart from inside. You know you are dying inside, falling down and failing yourself with each coming moment and day. And it is devastating. Nothing actually works even though you try your best to come out of it.

Heart breaks are real, recurrent and new normal. You may think that this might make you immune to heart break. But no, such is not the case. In fact heart breaks remind you that you are grown-up person, no more a kid. Your heart becomes tender and rigid both as you grow-up. It does not mend easily. And it also reminds you that age is not just a number, it is a bloody and real-time phenomenon. It is like you want to confide all these daily losing but you don’t know whom to turn to. No one can really do anything about it. In all this you can actually sense whole pack of Black-Dogs staring at you, ready to pounce on you to bleed shit out of you.

And yes this struggle is real. Every single person on this earth goes through this daily. It is not just you alone! Some admit it, some choose to ignore. Some take actions to deal with it, some do nothing. It is everyone’s choosing. But it is this struggle against heart breaks, your daily battle with yourself, which is the sign of life. It is a phase of challenge but it is also a phase of opportunity. It is these everyday struggles and heart breaks that keep you going. It is these that instigate you to be hopeful that may be the coming moment or day or time might be better than the one that went by.

This sheer sign of life can make wonders. It shows you that you really have nothing to lose. It shows that you can kick-start again. It breathes in you a new zeal and energy. It is this aspect that tempts you to go for another shot at life! Savour this moment and these heart breaks, they are stepping stones for the better life. And yes, never forget - YOU MATTER!    

Dear Men!

I know many of you will not be aware of the fact that there is "International Men's Day" too. Yes, tomorrow, on 19th November, there is International Men's Day.  I extend my heartfelt wishes to you all on this day. I will also take an opportunity to share few of my honest thoughts on this occasion.

I don't know if anyone has told you this, but you are just beautiful the way you are. I think the word "handsome" is not that apt to describe you. You don't need to be 6 feet tall, with "Johnny Bravo" physique or have those 6-pack abs. All I want you to be is fit and confortable in your shape. 

I understand that you too face so much pressure to look decent. But trust me, decency comes from behviour and not looks. And yes you can think improving on that front.

I think this whole concept of "masculinity" has done more harm than any benefit to you. Societal pressures, I believe, have contributed to boost your false ego. And in all this, it is conveniently forgotten that you too are human beings. But no, you don't even have a liberty to the basic human emotion, to cry, you have to be strong whatever be the situation. You are never given an opportunity to pour your hearts out. I guess that can make any person insensitive. You have forgetten how to respond to a situation. You end up reacting to it making things worse for you and the other persons as well. You are conditioned to suppress your emotions and that at times it breeds escapist tendencies in you. I will like you to consciously undo such conditioning and embrace your emotions as they flow in.

Your roles in our lives is always reduced to breadwinners, ATM machines who will provide us cash when we need, be there to protect us come what may. Though you are capable of all these things, I believe, you can do much more than this. I have seen you giving love and care to us. I have seen you doing best in cooking and all other so called "women's job". When gender biases kick in, its injustice done to you and us alike. Lets try to break these biases.

Also as mentioned earlier, you don't let out whats on your mind freely and frankly. That puts you in a potential threat arising from various mental illnesses. Your inabilty to express at times, leads you been taken for granted. Also some of you may fail to open up about the bad things that are happening to you and end up suffering alone from pain in silence. There is no need for all this. Just free your bottled-up emotions. And yes smoking and boozing are no ways out! Do all that stuff, but don't do it to run away from your thoughts and emotions.

Also, don't do things just because society expects you do them, do them only because you want to do them. Pursue your dreams and passion. Don't kill them for your parents or sacrifice it for someone else. 

Last but not the least, be self-empowering, confident and passionate. Trust me that adds to your beauty. Never forget to wear that warm smile. Just try to be who you are, that will make you more humane and organic. Wishing you loads of love and support on this International Men's Day. Power to you!

Cyclic Puke!

Again it is that part of the day and that point in life when you feel like doing nothing, not even existing.

Whole bunch of festivities, colours, light, fun and frolic is around you but these fail to please you. You feel utterly helpless and hopeless. And to add to the agony, there is untimely rains. To sum up, you feel odd, ugly, old and out of place. Absolutely nothing interests you, not even the sleep. You just want to cry out loud and pour out that venom you have been holding for long. Fuck the world…who cares anyway?

This tingling feeling has been stinking so badly, that now it has become identical to you. You just want to run away, bury that, kill it and overpower it anyway. It is taking toll of every single thing you do or you say. It is as if that Black Dog is coming back to haunt you, tear you apart and squeeze life out of you. And this feeling is becoming recurrent in nature. It has drastically reduced your attention span. You cannot keep yourself engaged even for 10 minutes. You are fast losing interest in everything around you.

Just look at you! You have become so weak and impaired that you constantly need something, someone by your side to make yourself realise what you can do and who you are. You are privileged to have such people around you who make you feel wanted, loved for and cared for. But for how long? Even that has some limit. These are by default good people. They are going to be there for you. They want to bring best in you. But don’t you think you are trying their patience?

It is not that you do not trust them. In fact you trust them more than you trust yourself. Problem is you fail miserably to trust what they say about you. And it is not that you disagree with them on what they tell you about yourself. Deep down you too have known yourself and your analysis of yourself matches with them. You just fail to believe in yourself. These people show undying faith and belief in you and you fail to do the same to yourself. And this makes no sense.

HE was right when he said, “Your problem is within you. You are fighting inside yourself with your own-self. Sort that and you will do wonders! Problem is not that you are capable of thinking, problem is you overdo that. You think of people, situations and outcome. And not just think, you overthink! Stop doing that. You are in your prime time of your life; you are playing your prime overs. You are capable of doing great things in life but all you are doing is overthinking and by doing this you are killing that part in you which is your core, your identity.”

That was an eye-opener. He put so much of his effort and valuable time to convince you this. Someone had to show you that mirror. And again this brings you back to where you started. You know what your problem is, you know what solutions are, you know what you should be doing but you just like to be that stone…..that stone which lay as it has been since ages, wearing away atom by atom and doing nothing. It is evident enough to show that you are not at peace with you; you are not comfortable in your own skin. You are not able to confront it and so you are running away from.

What should be done to tackle this is for you to decide. No one has panacea for it. Dig it little deeper may be you will find what you are looking for. Face it gracefully. You have been in this place before too, been there done that. Just don’t expect that every time you are in this shit, someone will come to rescue you. No one can ever help you in this. You have to liberate yourself from this and just believe that you can withstand this as well. 

This too shall pass. Stay strong, you got this!

Existential Crisis!

(Caution: Long read ahead!)

That day a friend asked, “So Pranoti! Where do you see yourself in next 5 years? What are your plans for yourself?”

To be honest I had no answer for the question he posed. I took it as “When you gonna get settled?” This was so because of late too many, almost every random person in my life has asked me that question. Obviously, most of the times it is out of concern and the other times it is asked sarcastically just to highlight my failed ventures.

“Am taking life day-by-day and seriously have no future plans”, was my answer to my friend. We both knew it was just a miserable attempt to kill the question that, I bet, plaque many like me. I wonder how they tackle this. I will choose to talk for myself.

At this particular point of time, I have no clue to answer that question. As a matter of fact, I lack understanding of the concept called “getting or being settled”. For me, humanity settled when it evolved art of agriculture. That is my limited understanding on the subject.

Being born in typical middle class Indian family, my life till now has revolved around “getting decent education so as to get decent job”. I have decent education and the so-called decent job. Am having decent 10-6 job with timely payment and thanks to this, I get some “respect” in social circle. So I think am “settled”. But all hell breaks loose, when question of “marriage” comes.

I don’t understand this thing. Just when you think you are done with one thing to make you settle, another thing gets added to the list. Now people are bugging me with this “When are you going to get married? When are going to settle?” And am like am already “settled” (as per their definition of “settled”). But who gives a shit! Just because of am a girl, sorry unmarried young woman, I indirectly become “responsibility” of all the social circles who insist me to “get married and settled”. 

I find this disgusting, the only relief being my parents. They are cool when it comes to this and think I should do what I think is proper for myself. But am so sure some or the other day, they too are going to surrender to the mounting peer-pressure. I feel sorry for them. It must be difficult to raise a stubborn, problem child like me.

I seriously have no plans for marriage as of now especially when I myself don’t feel that am settled. I think I belong to that clan of “nomads” who never “settle” at one place. I know that I have a job, but I also know that I seriously do not consider it as my career. I don’t know where my heart lays, but it is certainly not what Am now into. So I think I will try out whatever options are available at my disposal. It is therefore I feel my inability to have, plan and raise my own family.

And by doing this, I know I am putting myself at the risk of being ridiculed and called as confused, distracted, fuzzy, insincere even dishonest. But I am helpless. Deep down am constantly torn between “You-should-do-what-you-feel-is-right-for-you” and “let-things-happen-at-they-are-meant-to-happen-and-get-settled”. I am continually oscillating between these two poles and I feel that am hanging on some trapeze. Once I lose hold on it, I know am going to fall in some murky shit in which hides the “Black Dog”. I don’t want it to bite me. It eats up everything. And I seriously don’t want to die like that. It is one hard place to be in.

This thought makes me tilt to side of “let-things-happen-at-they-are-meant-to-happen-and-get-settled”. I see many souls around me like that. They have a set routine and have trivial, materialistic goals. For that they work hard, kill their inner voice and conform to what “others” say so as to avoid “What will others (people) say?” They don’t confront things. And it is them who live a relatively decent and “settled” life. But they are broken souls. They just thrive and don't live. 

However, I have issue with this kind of living. How can one live when one is not at peace with oneself? How can one live for sake of others? Go to school-you’ll get at a job. Get a job-get married. Get married-have kids. Have kids- plan for other worldly needs like vacationing, cars, house etc. and the list goes on. This definition of “getting settled” pushes me to “You-should-do-what-you-feel-is-right-for-you”. But the associated risks are mentioned earlier.

These questions, these thoughts plaque me every-fucking-single-moment I live. Yes, I get dreams (read nightmares) of these only. I seriously consider getting help of psychiatrist for this. This is abnormal it seems. Am eager to know what is right? Which way to go? Which path to choose? At times I feel life is too short to find answer for these questions. May be I’ll die as unsatisfied and confused soul. Does anyone have answer to these? Is anybody listening? How bad is this? Do I really have free will? This is one heck existential crisis.     

       

Bapu!

Dear Bapu

Pranam! Hope you are doing well.

Let me first wish you a very Happy Birthday! I will not say “many many happy returns of the day” because I know there are none as of now.

To start with, I wish to tell you that your protagonists and antagonists both love you for your “value”. Einstein had rightly said that future generations will not believe that such kind of person (that you are) could ever live on this Earth. It is true. It is really hard to believe that one can be so selfless yet passionate. Wish I was born in your era to experience it.

The way morality, rationality is getting deteriorated day by day, Bapu, you won’t believe that coming generations will not hesitate to reduce you to just another “God man”. The values you inculcated in yourself first and then tried to imbibe those in the masses now seem to be too Utopian. This is a reason why people will believe that person having such values can never exist.

I appreciate the “farsightedness” of our Government and Central Bank. They had foreseen that no one here is going to remember you, your sacrifice and your contribution. Out of sight is out of mind! That is why they made sure your face is printed on every currency note of our Country. They made you inseparable part of our life. (Life is really hard without you, they say).

Earlier you were part of our life as one who will give us freedom from colonial rule. Now we expect you to free us from “procedures”, “delays” and help us come out “clean”. Bapu, meaning of “clean” has changed now.

During freedom struggle you reached out to masses and you continue to do so even now. Some revere for what you taught and some for what you can do. It is really disheartening to tell you that your “real values” are undermined by your “nominal value”. That is why, when “money” speak, “truth” is silent! It is the worst irony. They have dirtied you Bapu, what can you do about it?

It is really painful to see people for whom you sacrificed your life now talk all crap about you. They dig out some or the other controversy about you. This is sheer hopelessness. On the top of that they even try to glorify your murderer. Bloody hypocrites! They fail to understand that an eye for an eye will make this world blind. This is injustice done to you.

It makes me wonder if we are really credible enough for what you did for us. We have failed to understand that whatever we are now we owe that to people like you. Even you might get ashamed the way “Gandhi” is interpreted now. It is used in derogatory sense.

Bapu, I sincerely feel we don’t deserve all that you did for us and even you don’t deserve to be 

treated like this. I know, despite all this, if we are to say “sorry”and ask you to “forgive” us, you will do so for you are such a great soul. 

You were our saviour, you are and you will remain one in future too. Let the light you ignited in us never douse down. India, you dreamt of really deserve a great future and yes it is possible if we think and act accordingly. It is high time to clean ourselves first and then clean India (taking original meaning of clean here). This is the day we should start with. It is time we return all happiness you deserve.

As you say Bapu ‘Be the change you want to see in others’, please wish us courage to do so.  All I can say is I’m too dwarf to say anything about you, but thought instead, will write straightway to you. Lastly, let me confess Bapu that am really happy and proud of the very fact that I was born in your Country. 

Happy Birthday, again! Please come and stay in our conscience, it is a need of time. Have a good day.

Your Child,

P S 

(#Late post from 2014. Nothing major has changed though!)   

“Bloody” Scientific!

“Oh Honey! I cannot come this time for Ganapati at your place. You know the monthlies ….Sorry. See you later. Bye” and she hung the call. I was appalled to hear these words from her, more so, because I thought her to be a modern girl.

Yes, she is modern. She wears the clothes of “her” choosing. She goes out whenever “she” wants to, hangs out with her guy friends in pubs, uses every available social media platform, is supportive of LGBT community even encourages Live-in relationship. This made me think that she is modern in true sense, not just in her lifestyle but in her thoughts as well.

So when I heard these words from her, I could not take it well. I mean how one can think like that. I came home and told my Mom about this. I told her that my dear friend is not coming at our place for Ganapati because she is on her periods.

Periods, menses, chums, birthday, monthlies, ladies’ curse etc. are just other names for menstruation. It is nothing but a regular discharge of blood and mucosal tissue from the inner lining of the uterus through the vagina. It usually indicates puberty in females and continues till menopause. Bleeding happens within cycle of 21 to 31 days. It is “bloody” scientific, natural and as simple as that. Why to make big fuss about it???

I asked my Mom the same and she was like, “This is how we girls, women are raised and cultured in our Indian Society. I know this is wrong. But you really can’t do much about it.” I pondered over it.

In our culture, with menses come more and more restrictions on a girl. Every single act of yours is monitored. And every damn thing is restricted in the name of God, religion and customs. Let alone temple, you are not even allowed to visit your own kitchen; no worship only hardships. Also you are made to sit, eat and sleep separately. You are treated as “untouchable” in your own house. And this makes no sense to me. Trust me, I have personally never suffered this but I have observed these things happening with my friends and even with my cousins.  

Oh look how fool I am! I forgot we are not a society who thinks rationally or “scientifically” but one which thinks “religiously” emotionally. But even then it makes zero sense to me. What is wrong with this society and the people and even with the females who support all this non-sense shit?

I tried my best to rationalize this behavior and these customs. I could conclude that back then when no good quality hygienic tools were available, such kind of “untouchability” was still justified. But now when better hygienic options like sanitary pads, tampons, menstrual cups are available, now when we have relatively more liberty to do things, even then why do we have to cling to these out-dated customs and shitty ideas surrounding the menses. Yes, shitty ideas, because so called liberal religions term menses to be “profane”, “bad”, “impure”.

It is such an insane thing to call menses as impure. Under this garb of impurity, society has systematically discriminated its women; moreover has been successful in imbibing that menses are something bad and profane. THIS IS ALL NOTHING BUT A PIECE OF SHITTY STUFF! I can never buy this idea. And if my custom, my religion asks me to do as it says, I am glad to unfollow it.

But then I cannot blame women for this understanding or thinking they have about menses. They are part of this “scientifically backward” and “superstitiously modern” society. They are rarely given education about it. Only moms, aunties, elder sisters, grandmas in the house are supposed to teach the young girl in the house about menses and that too when she gets one (not prior to that)! It really makes no sense.  By doing this, the topic of menses has been made taboo not just in house but also in society.

I was lucky, in this regard. When I was 12 or 13 years old, it was my Dad who made me understand what menses are in a scientific way. He also spoke about biological, psychological and physiological changes that were bound to happen in me. He made sure I was ready for it. And when I got my first menses, he was the one to get me pads. There is nothing to be ashamed of, he said. That is how my parents raised me.

I was once told by someone that you are not supposed to go temples, worship and all during menses. And I purposefully did all that stuff while on menses. I wanted to see what might possibly go wrong and I was also waiting to see if any God punish me. But nothing like that happened. (Hence proved, those shitty customs were just to subjugate females.)

I know things take time to change. But on this particular aspect, am unable to see any substantial improvement. Foremost important thing is, to change mind-set. One needs to understand that menses are natural process. They are the bodily scientific mechanism and no curse. And yes, no Holy God punishes you for having menses. After all it is Mother Nature who has made us like that. Why to feel ashamed of it.

I personally find menses to be indicator of proper, healthy functioning body. Many times I tried speaking on the topic with my sisters, friends. One thing I have observed, my guy friends find nothing unusual about it. It is my female friends who find this topic to be “awkward”, “taboo”. This way, nothing is going to change. And I want all these friends and sisters to understand that if change has to happen, it has to start from self.

I want them to understand and convince their own-self that menstruation is no bad thing. It is natural. Yes it is okay to bleed. Unfollow and break those customs/ traditions which bar you or belittle you for being you. You are above all that. Mother Nature is no fool to choose you and give you substantial responsibility of procreation.

What is it?

In general I was taking stock of life and I realized so much have happened, since my last birthday…..Life is all topsy-turvy. It’s just a span of a year. Yet way too many things have happened that I can recollect hardly few. Thanks to my poor memory!

This day that year, I was busy preparing for my CSE Main exam. Food, Study, Health – were my only priority. Eat-Study-Sleep-Repeat was my simple daily routine. I was so focused. I was busy chasing my long cherished dream. I was content with that life. In short my life was sorted, I thought.

Exams came and went. Honestly, I was contemplating two outcomes of it – one, that I clear Main and focus on interview and two, I take a break and get back to my profession to allow myself to take things from different perspective. Everything was set. My preparations for the former were full throttle.

New Year came and shit happened. I failed to clear the CSE Main Exam. Though I anticipated it as one of the outcome, clearly I was not well prepared to take this failure. Success and failure are part and parcel of our lives. However, it is very sad and extremely painful to watch your dreams crushing. Even today I don’t know why this happened, why it had to happen that way and what course my life will take there on.  Yet I decided to celebrate my failure. I went out for dinner with my lovely sisters. We had night rides. It was amazing. I thought that this reverse-psychology might help me come out of my failure. But it did not.

I was not out of it. It was just an exam yet I could not get over it. It may be thus because I had given it all, all that was humanly possible for me. And so I was expecting things to happen the way I want them to. But life is not about this. It is way too unpredictable and beyond my comprehension at times. All you can do is try your best you can never control the outcome of any of your actions. That’s the way life is. It was one of the worst phases I have ever had.

Then I had too many nightmares in during that period. I dreamt of someone killing me, me getting run over by some heavy vehicles, profusely bleeding and bruised. Indeed I was depressed. I even thought of getting some psychological help for that.

Around that same time I guess, I accidentally saw my neighbor burning himself down. He had committed suicide out of depression. That incident too left deep impact on me. You cannot just take your own life like that. Suicide is no option. Life is the best gift you can ever get. It is precious and you just get it once. You got to make the best out of it. Though negatively, this incident inspired me to take a different look at my own life.

I am living a very privileged life. I have home to live in. I have parents who always support and encourage in whatever I do. I have loving family. I have been given education. Every damn possible thing has been done for me to make me independent. Yet, at times I feel depressed and get easily frustrated.

This life however, never fails to surprise me. Just when I thought I will be just another jobless, unemployed youth of this country, I got a job. It was indeed a new start for me. Everything was new to me, people, work, environment…. I thought I could never blend in this one and fail here as well. I was very skeptical and mostly importantly cynical. Here again life surprised me. I met a good lot of people. Each day I get to learn too many new things. I have done so many things I never ever thought of doing.

In this journey of one year, I got an opportunity to meet so many people. Life has taught me one very important lesson. You think you know a person, you bank on them and they are one to leave you first when you are in deep shit. People talk all good on media or even on face. But never trust words, trust actions. There is this famous song “Sukh ke sab saathi, dukh me na koi”…..However, life has also made me realise who are my people. These are the one with whom I may not have daily contact, but they are the one who will do every damn thing possible if I ask them to do so. They have this faith and trust in me and I wonder why. They have been there with me and for me ever since I was nothing at all. I guess it is my sheer good luck to have these heads in my life. So the crux is life will bring you bad as well as good. Just have little patience.

As of, I don’t clearly know what I want from my life. I am clueless where it is heading. I also don’t know what my dreams are or whether I should have one. Yet one thing is for sure, as long as I have life, I know I have an opportunity and thus I have a hope and belief. Till then I’ll try to make best out of what life serves me on my platter. It’s better to be undernourished than starve to death!