It’s been a month already!
What has changed? Technically nothing. Normal routine still goes on – wake-up, go to office, work, come back, study, eat, sleep, repeat.
But you know what? Everything has changed – not physically but mentally, emotionally and psychologically. That is an impact a person has on you. Ajji passed away exactly a month ago. I did attend all her last rites. Still am yet to come to terms with her death.
At conscious level, I know she is no more. However, this thing is yet to sink into the subconscious part. Every time I leave house to go out, I search for her - waiting for her to bless me abundantly in her own style “khup khup Ashirwad”. I yearn for her love-filled touch as she caressed my face while blessing me. I badly miss her “checklist” so much so that, a day before yesterday I forgot my watch and mobile and had to come back home to take those.
It’s not that my parents or siblings don’t care about me but I miss what Ajji said every single day before I left – “Did you have breakfast? Did you take your tiffin? Helmet? Drive safe and come home early”. I felt loved and wanted.
The other day, I was coming from Mandai area and a thought passed – what should I take – shengdana or chana? What will Ajji eat? And very next moment I realized she is no more. She used to like such “khau” including chocolates, fruits – not because she wanted to eat those but because she loved to give it to all and anyone who came to see her. Potato wafers was her favorite.
Whenever I came back from office, we had this typical dialogue –
“Pana, alis ka?”
“Ho Ajji. Tula kasa kalala”
“To sanitizer cha vaas ala”
“Kevdhi hushar ahes tu Ajji. Kasla barobar olakhtes”. Then she used to smile showing happiness that am back home and safe. Sometimes I used to talk to her in changed tone – “Shinde Ajji ahe ka?” even then she used to recognize it was me.
I was privileged to have Ajji by my side through out my life. May be that is why it difficult to imagine life without her. For every act or decision, we took, she was integral to it. How a simple act or decision of ours would impact her, was the predominant thought for last so many years – example be it as trivial as going out for few hours or as big as going out for few days. And habit is now so ingrained, that even now when we think, first thought comes is how will it impact Ajji. That is when that void is felt so hard. Her not being around has drastically changed everything on emotional, mental and psychological level. It seems like the purpose is lost. Emptiness itches like anything.
That is when I force myself to reflect on her life. All her life, Ajji was an amazing person. Always cheerful, grateful for everything and everyone around her, blessing everyone abundantly, letting go of bad things, never had any grudges on anyone, made sure whoever comes to her doesn’t go empty handed and that too without expecting anything in return. Just keep going, was her mantra. I tell myself to try and to imbibe these traits of her in me. That is the sure way to not just become a better person, but the best tribute that can possibly be given to her.
Trying hard to heal but still, I badly miss her. Hope her soul has found higher purpose! All I remind myself is:
क्या लेके आया जगत में,
क्या लेके जाएगा,
दो दिन की जिंदगी है,
दो दिन का मेला।
