The question is...

Woke up to the news that all the accussed of Hyderabad Rape-Murder case were killed in the Police "encounter". While scrolling through the Whatsapp, saw many "congratulatory", "justice done" etc etc as status updates. I was clueless as to how should I 'respond'. So decided to write instead. 

While I was totally shocked to read about the gruesome rape & murder of that Vet, I was equally taken aback with the 'encounter' of those accussed too. I admit to this feeling of mine, at the risk of being called as hypocrite. However, these series of incidents left me with following questions:

1. Rape and Murder - not only highlight gross violation of human right but also highlight the failure of the system which is in place. There is no safe and secure place for women and will there be any in future given the rising number of gender based crimes?

2. Justice is system is flawed & I fear if it is beyond repair! Police show apathy towards such incidents when one goes to register a complaint. Then there is faulty evidence collection methods.  Delays in filing chargesheet, arresting the accussed and final delivery of the justice, all of it is so time consuming & agonising that one loses faith in the system. How many rapes & murders will be 'required' for improvement of this 'justice system'?  

3. 'Extra-judicial' killings or 'encounters' of accussed only starkly highlight the failure of system in place and hence it does not deserve any applause. It essentially means we are heading towards anarchy or state of lawlessness. And if 'justice' is so quick and easy, why spare those 'godmans', 'influential persons', 'actors', 'persons in authority' & even in some cases 'husbands, brothers, uncles, fathers' who are 'accussed' of rape? Why wait? Why not kill them all? Why to have double standards?

4. Will such 'extra-judicial' killings stop the next crime? Will women be safe?

Women, be it working or homemaker, 3 months old or 90 years old, Burkha-clad or Saree clad, with 'male' relatives or without them, at morning, at night or at any given point of time in 24 hours, is not safe. I guess everyone will second this. This precisely also means that everyone will second that we as a society are total failure on front of safety to almost half of the total population.

Patriarchal mindset and the resultant social structure & dynamics are the basic cause of this situation. This is so because it subordinates one gender, while offering unprecedented authority to the other one. This gives rise to the belief of the other gender to have 'sense of entitlement' & 'right to control' the subordinated gender. Systematically, through our very own families and other social setups, this mindset is percolated deep in the subconscious & internalised in both the genders. Besides, movies and other popular culture is ready and flooding with enormous materials to concretise the existing prejudices & biases we have. 

Coming back, 'Encounter' is no solution, its just a quick-fix! It only makes matter worse since it only address the symptom and not the root-cause of the problem. Let alone being deterrent, it will fail to stop the next same crime. All it can achieve is pacification of the 'popular sentiments'. However, actions of any organ of the administration cannot be driven by the 'popular emotions'. This is a sure path towards anarchy. It also erodes faith in the 'justice system'. 

Another problematic issue is the reaction of the elected leaders. Forget bringing stringent laws in place & instilling faith in the Constitution, democracy & justice system given under it, these shit-heads encourage 'lynching'. Also they serve us 'gems of wisdom' like 'girl should not have access to technology or mobile; girl should not move out without male relative; chowmein leads to such crimes; girl should be married off at young age; she should not wear short clothes blah blah!' By making such statements you are essentially putting onus on the victim herself & encouraging those with such criminal tendencies. If only these had some brains & common-sense! But its too much to have expectations from these.

Solution to the problem is as complex as the problem itself. It involves each one of us as an individual, as a family, as a society and as a system. It will take loads of doing, learning and unlearning at personal level as well as revamping of systems be it laws, administration, judiciary or executive. Question is are we ready? 

Loser? Who? (Part 2)

It is such a privilege to be able to think, to able write, to speak, to express, to roam around freely, to do what you wish to do, to swear on what you could not, to be able to choose whatever you wish too. We all do these so easily that we forget to acknowledge that all these are privileges. Privilege in a layman’s term, can be said to be something that one has and one does not have. In a way, it is an entitlement you own pursuant certain qualification.

So what is our qualification that we all are entitled to such privileges? I will attempt in this write up to explain this one. “We” are the “people” of India. “We” have given ourselves the “Constitution” way back on 26^th November, 1949. And mind you the Constitution is not merely a book or written piece of certain persons’ collective imagination. It is the supreme law of land. It is our binding force. Our collective belief in the Constitution (and therefore its contents) is what makes us “Indian”.

This very qualification of “being Indian” entitles us to various privileges. We all know these as “Fundamental Rights” (hereinafter referred to as FRs). Thanks to these FRs, we do what we do rather we are able to do whatever is written there or whatever “we gave to ourselves”. However, we hardly pay any attention to this fact. In fact our “sense of entitlement” becomes so strong that we ignore the very context to that entitlement or privilege.

I will elaborate this with an example. So today we are done with our assembly elections in Maharashtra. For this to be D-day, so much of time, energy and efforts were put in campaigning and related stuff. In all these, each one was bombarded with whatsapp forwards, trolls, debates, paid-news and free-of-cost-and-thoughts opinions that too in wholesale amount. Have you ever pondered why we could do this? Thanks to our FRs, we could do all these relentlessly.

These FRs play a vital role to make our country democratic and vibrant one. Democracy in simple terms is a system of polity - for the people, of the people, by the people. It essentially affords subjects (one to be ruled) a right to choose their rulers (under whom they want to be ruled). It means it is “by the people”.

We are so good at underestimating the power of these things. True these things may seem to be complicated. But everything this easy for “learned” one. And now-a-days everyone is “learned” – thanks to easily accessible (mis)information. We collectively believe in the ‘illusion’ that ‘we know everything’. We blindly trust whichever media serves us whatsoever. Well who is interested to dwell in the books and spend time on constructive analysis?

We talk vociferously on various issues, polity, black-holes in the system, corruption, exploitation and what not as if we have whole world’s expertise on the topic. But when it comes to doing what do we do? Nothing! We DO NOT EVEN BOTHER TO STEP OUT TO VOTE. Voting - it is the most simple and basic effort we as a citizen can do to improve things. True things do not change overnight; it takes time and small effort towards collective cause. But what pulls us back from doing this?

It is really distressing, hurtful and offensive on so many levels to find that so –called “learned” people are apathetic towards voting. Voting is a legal right. It is a privilege that entitles you to choose whose rule you want, in whom you put your faith for a shared goal, whom you look up to with hope. Trust me I find it to be a hopeless thing that you fail to cash on this entitlement. (By cash, I don’t mean cash-for-vote).

I will talk of my constituency. I was constantly keeping watch on the voters’ turnout. And as usual, voters’ turnout was low. It is painful to see this. Pune is known to be ‘Education hub’, ‘home of intellect’ and “Oxford of East” and what not. However, it is difficult to digest and agonizingly hurtful to admit that most people are just ‘literate’, they are not ‘EDUCATED’. Had they been so, they would have bothered to step out and vote. And it was not even raining today.

What deterred them to go to polling booth?

• No time – SOME OFFICES DECLARED HOLIDAY, SOME DECLARED HOURS OFF.
• No right candidate fielded – USE NOTA.
• Everyone does the same when voted to power – BUT GIVE A CHANCE.
• Nothing changes – IT WILL ONLY IF YOU HAVE BELIEF.

I think people have started to believe that they do not need any system. They think it really doesn’t matter if it is there or not. People think they are so ‘rich’ that they can afford whatever they want to just by ‘paying’ for things. They do not perceive any ‘reward’ of voting.

It is being apathetic. Not participating is doing more harm than any good. Expecting reward leads to entitlement and vice versa. This breeds collective corrupt mentality, lethargy and complacency on our part as citizens. By not voting we stand to lose credibility to even criticise any of the decision taken by the current or future establishment.

I am clueless why it makes me feel like a loser despite me voting at the first place. But somehow I feel for the cause. Somehow I have a hope that things will change. Somehow I don’t want to lose any of the privilege I wrote about earlier.

Lastly, I understand that nothing comes for free. Everything has a cost. Voted or not voted, that cost has to be bore by us all.

The Headline!

(Disclaimer: Long read ahead. Read at your own risk. Some stuff may qualify for "anti-nationalism")

26^th September, 2019: “Two Dalit children killed in MP for ‘defecating’ in open” (Link - https://indianexpress.com/article/india/2-dalit-children-killed-in-mp-for-defecating-in-open-2-arrested-6029629/)

27^th September, 2019: “Family of Dalit children who were thrashed to death for defecating in open decide to leave village (Link - https://www.thehindu.com/news/national/family-of-dalit-children-who-were-thrashed-to-death-for-defecating-in-open-decide-to-leave-village/article29522332.ece)

3^rd October, 2019: “Rural India has declared itself open defecation free: PM Modi” (Link https://indianexpress.com/article/india/rural-india-has-declared-itself-open-defecation-free-pm-modi-6049706/)

Merely 7 days after 2 kids were killed for ‘defecating’ in open, rural India “declared” itself open defecation free. So announced our Hon’ble PM. Are these two things irony or just unholy coincidence or the last one is the logical corollary of the first one - one may wonder if one reads news (moreover, cares to bother).

One may choose to read these “headlines” & ignore these. After all, how are they going to technically affect us? I was clueless too as to why these have to bother me; but I was moved after reading these and I tell you why it affected me deep inside: (first two headlines)

·         Excretion is the basic necessity for survival like the food. Moreover, safe, secure and accessible toilets are just basic necessities – essential not only for personal hygiene and safety but also for general public health & sanitation. Lack of these things means either you have to hold or just do it wherever you find place – none of these are safe options.

·         After going through the story covered in these headlines what was more hurting was that those kids had no access to toilet, for the application made by their family to build the toilet was rejected (for no apparent reason). So essentially it means they were rendered with no other option but to relieve themselves in open for which they “rightly” got “punished” & price was nothing more than their “lives”. And needless to say who has the "right" to do the so called “justice” is the “upper caste”.

·         Another horrific thing mentioned was, one of their siblings (like these kids) had to drop-out of the school due to repeated discrimination and was forced to make living by cleaning the very same school & toilets therein for weekly wages of Rs.10-20/-. This thing in particular is very disturbing and offensive on so many levels.

·         Their family fearing for lives have decided to leave the village. Such a misery – that too inflicted not just by the society but also by the State.

When I discussed this with some of friends, some of them told me to ignore; some said we really cannot do anything to change it; some said may be we need another birth to set things right; some said we have to change this & we shall do it. I could see too many perspectives – apathetic, pathetic, and empathetic. I felt too restless to ignore this. I am aware there is little that I can do to change, so I decided to write instead. And before I could finish my write-up, I came across today’s headline (3rd headline).

This headline & the news thereunder led to another string of questions:

•           Have things changed so rapidly in just 7 days, that rural India “declared itself ODF”?
•           Did PM himself verified what he declared?
• ·        Are these headlines really connected or connection between them is just my imagination?

I will try to find answers to these one by one.

•          Have things changed so rapidly in just 7 days, that rural India “declared itself ODF”?

ODF was one of the components of Swachh Bharat Mission launched on 2^nd October, 2014. I recently got an opportunity to travel through various villages across India. I must say that things are indeed changing. I could see toilets built & used in every village I visited. There were certain regions which were yet to build toilets. I also got an opportunity to hear Mr. Parameswaran Iyer - Secretary, Ministry of Drinking Water and Sanitation, Government of India and leading force behind flagship Swachh Bharat Mission. In his insightful session, Mr. Iyer highlighted how things are changing – attitudinal change, behavioural change etc. And trust me, I found these to be very promising.

However, when you see such killings, it makes you question everything you have read or seen. These cannot be dismissed as mere trivial things. So yes, things are changing and it will take more time and more sustained efforts to change the things. Essentially these are not “rapid” changes but the gradual ones.

•          Did PM himself verified what he declared?

Of course, due to paucity of time, PM has to rely on whatever information is being served to him. So it is not expected that he shall verify these things. Needless to say, each statement made by the person at such stature holds weight and is bound to be taken seriously. It highlights another two issues:

1.       Numbers or statistics are produced just to please the master.

2.       India (Rural/ Urban) is not ODF as mentioned.

And both of these are problematic for us as a citizen. It essentially means we are served lies and made to believe those. These lies contribute bit by bit in creating illusion that “Everything is fine”.

•          Are these headlines really connected or connection between them is just my imagination?

Okay, so kids got killed apparently for defecating in open. Some may argue that these are victims of caste-based discrimination. Indeed they are, but the trigger is open defecation. Whichever angle you try to put, the fact that kids had no other place than toilets to relieve themselves cannot be denied.

But then is there any connection among those headlines? Of course there is:

1. If kids are being killed for “defecating” in open, one cannot in any possible manner “claim” that rural India is ODF. 
2. And despite the fact above, one has audacity to claim so then one must admit that there are flaws in criteria determining what ODF means.
3. Essentially one has to admit the flaws in the implementation of the scheme too.

Of these, if it was said that things are changing and will change in future, it was still fine. But it is really difficult to digest the outright false, untrue & deceitful stats and the statement we got served ironically on the occasion of the birth anniversary of the leader who taught us about “Satyagraha”.

I don’t know what lies ahead. Whether victims’ family will get justice? Whether people will stop defecating in open? Whether we will throw away the caste barriers? I have no answers. I wrote these things because these were plaguing me for past few days. I am not hope-less. I believe things will change. Together we can, yes I believe!

He, Me & the struggles!

As I am writing this, am sure he must be dealing with his other clients. I am not his client; am his friend. But for me he is more than a friend. He is philosopher, guide, crisis manager, go-to buddy other than being therapist and anti-depressant.

I don’t know if it is his profession or his aura or his assuring smile or his serene face - whenever I go to him, he just helps me to successfully open up my bottled-up thoughts. Today was no different. I don’t know, he possesses that power to calm down my soul. Whenever am stuck-up and cannot move further in my life, I fix appointment with him.

So today’s was an intense session. He first asked me to puke out all those things that were bothering me. He is a great listener. He will never interfere until am done with. Hats off to his patience! I told him everything without any hesitance. I told him about the nightmares am having of late – recent being the one where I saw one of the most important person in my life die. I woke gasping for breath & I was sweating like a pig. I described my other nightmares too.

He said that too many things were going on my head simultaneously & he correctly pointed out my fears too. I told him about my biggest fears and inhibitions – about losing my loved ones, about my fucked-up career trajectory, about my relations with my friends, about my trust issues, about being directionless, about being disillusioned in life, about being un-settled, about my favourite things, about myself, about all the inferiority complex I have about my appearance, about getting old, about ending up all alone, about ending up in misery, about dying without doing anything fruitful for myself or anyone, about everyone hating me.

After handing me a glass of water he asked me to relax and take deep breaths. He unfolded my things for me – he told me upfront that when you think dualistically you end up limiting things. He told there is nothing correct or incorrect, early or late, failure or success. Having such “churnings” are part & parcel of life. As you grow up you got to think relatively and realistically. He said we succumb to different kinds of pressures – societal, peer, family or from ourselves. We tend to fail in adjusting our idealistic hopes with our realistic possibilities. And that’s an issue everyone struggles to cope with. Some succumb to it, some choose to ignore and some like you keep digging more. None is wrong, none is right and that is how the way it is.

You need to inculcate certain skills to address this. Don’t think of past – its long gone, past is in the past. Let go of things, let go of guilt, let of people. Forgive everyone including yourself; you are no God to be perfect. You are just a human and by that virtue you don’t own world’s all the problems. Like past, you should not be thinking of future too, in a sense you got to think it in shorter terms. Don’t think too far – 2 years henceforth. Make a feasible, workable plan to achieve all that you have planned. Keep writing different journals – journal everything – your thoughts, food you eat, memories, gratitude everything.

Expect less and accept more. Expect that you will face all kinds of "isms" - sexism, colorism, ageism, casteism & all different kinds of discrimination. Expect that life is never going to be a joy-ride. There will be the times when you will be back-stabbed, when you will be punched straight in your face by the surprises thrown by life. Be ready it. That will make you strong and that in fact what life is all about.  

Learn to live a minimalist life. De-clutter everything you don’t need any more. Don’t hesitate to cut-off toxic people, toxic friendships, and toxic relationships from your life. No need to beg love, no need to go behind people who don’t respect you or have no faith in you. Whosoever is meant to be in your life will remain anyway. Just remove all that unwanted stuff. Learn to stay calm and watch things neutrally. Everything is temporary.

In all this churning there will be times when you will feel hopeless, when your efforts will seem to be futile, your beliefs will get hurt; you will feel so low that you will feel like giving up. This is the exact moment, when you need to hang on. Just keep going but please don’t have any sense of entitlement. This is just a phase and it shall pass soon.

The lifeline activity we did shows that you have been through the worst phases in life earlier too where you felt like quitting, but you did not, and kept going. Just keep doing that. Take one thing at a time. Most importantly, invest in your health-physical & mental and also in your goals; that investment will never go fail howsoever worst be the recession. Keep up your spirits high buddy; you’ve got nothing to lose.

Talking to him gets me high! I thought I will document all this because I trust my poor memory. I know I will need this note for the future as well. Besides, I know many out there who are struggling at different levels. May this piece help you get some peace! 

Expectations? Burden?

Irritated, mad, anxious, nervous, stressed, frustrated (you may add more)! Every time you fail to fulfill an expectation, you feel either of these or all of these. And mind you these expectations which you die to fulfill, most of the times come from your loved ones or people close to you. Sometimes it is you – yourself expecting so many things.

So, the root cause of above mentioned mental states is expectations. Is it? May be or maybe not! Have you ever thought about it? It is not the expectations per se, it the burden/fear of inability to fulfill those expectations which makes you go mad every time you are short to fulfill those.

For example, if you take up an exam – you are “expected” to work hard and clear it. So is it really that burden to accomplish this expectation to “pass” or fear of failure to fulfill that expectation (not the thought of actual failing the exam) which drives you nuts?

Another example – You are assigned with the new task at your job. The thought that you will never again get a chance on the new task if you fail at it scares you more than inability to complete that task on time. May be because of this your boss, your colleagues will laugh at you, doubt your abilities, do back-bitching, never assign a good work to you, dim chances of promotion and what not – this precisely scares you more. It is the performance pressure and more importantly burden to fulfill the expectation.

Same applies to the personal life as well. All the time we are “expected” to do something, to become something – as a kid you are expected to study hard and get good grades; when you grow up you are expected to get a decent job; then you are expected to have (much celebrated) “stability” in life. And if there is even slightest change in this timeline – you are gone. Everyone at some point of time in their lives have to succumb to that disease of “Kya kehenge log”! (Worst of all the burdens)

But why should one carry this baggage of expectations in wonderful journey of life? These expectations lead to sorrow, that’s what Buddha said. It is fear of getting into that sorrow that frustrates you more. This fear or the fear of failing at fulfilling the expectations along with too much of dwelling in future thinking about the outcome/consequences add more burden than the expectations per se.

What can be done about it? Answer may be cliché, but being in “present” can help. You cannot reverse “past” so there is no point in going back. “Future” can be as desired, however, for that capital is the “present” itself. And seriously easier said than done, it is difficult to be in “present”. For that, one has to work consciously and practice mindfulness. Meditation works too. Honestly, I am no expert to say all this – whatever said is based on learning and experience. It is not that I succeed each day in this; however, you have to keep going despite all possible difficulties.

All fine, but what about expectations and its tag-along burden? For this, as of, I figured out that you are just another living creature on this planet. You are no God or whatever the mighty force. Practically, it is not possible to fulfill all the expectations from all including you. So you need to take a chill-pill. Besides, one also needs to stop expecting from others as well - because of these very expectations we start taking people for granted.

Also, instead of unnecessary futurist thoughts – try to focus on today. Take each day at a time. Try to live it to the fullest. Be in the moment. Seize the moment. Honestly, dwelling in “if-buts” of past or future are not that helpful. Better replace these thoughts with practical ones. One needs to nurture their mind with good things around.

Life is already full of difficulties. Why to make it more complicated by getting irritated, mad, anxious, nervous, stressed, frustrated or depressed. Among very few things, “mental state” is the one which is in our control, better be carefree and bother less! Relax, you don't own all the burden. Peace Out!

The Connect

Some days are just gloomy. I thought that today’s day was such. I don’t hate rains, but the dampness and “no-sunshine” does act as vibe-killer and are “bad-mood enhancers”. So was today. Nothing was going as scheduled. That was when I got a call from a friend, which I missed and got pissed off on myself. Sometimes even trivial things bother a lot and make you angry for no apparent reason. Certainly, “not-my-day”, I thought.

Still there was no option but to go ahead. So I decided to go ahead with other "feasible" items on my “to-do-list”. That was when, I could successfully contact my friend again and finally we met after 2 days of postponing the meet. Finally, here I was driving. I thought, okay now, at least, things will go as planned for the day. But heck – this traffic! No signals were working, incessant rains, well-sized potholes and to add to the agony undisciplined riders – I seriously thought – Had I been given a licence, I would go killing everyone. (Sometimes, you are surprised by your own caustic thoughts. Yuck, I would never ever think like this during my sane phase). In all this, I reached at a wrong address and was late as well. Was waiting for friend and was wondering what is wrong with me, why am I feeling so irritated.   

He finally came. Some people just carry that aura, that warm smile which has power to heal any damn thing. I felt the same for him. After so many days, I had some real, intimate and heartfelt conversation today. Thanks to him – I got opportunity to reflect back upon so many things from a different perspective. It was just another “interview of a respondent” on record; however, off record this talk was one of the quality and worthy talk. In a way it was an unplanned lifeline activity.

We did dwell in the past figuring out had things been different what would be the outcome. The range of topics encompassed so many things – you list it and we did some good brainstorming on it. My most favourite was contrasting John Locke’s social contract theory and Anne Frank’s views on humanity. Thoughts and ideas were flowing through all possible directions. It was beyond amazing experience. I wish I could record and document those perspectives.

At times, we are so disturbed by petty things that we wish to give up for no reason. We feel helpless, hopeless, cold and dead. It is here that such talks, such discussions that too with people who always encourage you to push your limits and who empower you, works wonderfully. I realised, sometimes, we tend to underestimate the power of a person, a talk, a question, a smile, a thought. That in fact turns out to be highlight of the day, the best of that day and great take-away of that day. That is something to build on.

It was such a great meet, which I thought will not happen because it already got postponed twice. At times, we just lose connect with everything. We feel disoriented and directionless. Such meets, such people, such discussions therefore holds an importance. It was not just a meet – for me it was connecting – connecting back, not just with him but most importantly with my own-self. Would be grateful to him for this connect!

You got this!

These were one of the most trying times in the recent past. It was as if inferiority complex was raining and as if I was getting drenched in that anxiety; moreover, drowning in the frustration. These conditions were very similar to what I had experienced before. I thought that Black Dog is back again.

Black Dog is intelligent. He sniffs that stress you are undergoing. You are going through that emotional turmoil. And that is what attracts him and he is ready to leap on you and bite off everything that comes his way. I was scared of him but I decided to scare him away.

I tried to find out what was the root cause of the stress, that anxiety, that complex which got into my head. I realised, am at such age in my life where am expected to be “settled” (meaning – have highly paid job, marriage, kids and what not). And that is precisely what I am lacking. I do have a decent job (but job satisfaction? Well, who cares); however I am expected to married and most importantly am expected to conform to every other crap that society tries to throw at “women” so that she could be. It is not that I haven’t tried fit in all these societal frames (read externally imposed); however, each time I try, I fail to fit in and that creates stress.

Now I came to know that I cannot take up that societal pressure anymore wherein I earn highly irrespective of satisfaction and do “rights-things-should-happen-at-right-age-for-a-girl” (read marriage-kids-family). And though these things may seem trivial or inevitable, these cause real-time pain. You follow things just because you don’t want to feel left out. And I certainly don’t fit or don’t even want to fit in all these.

I was really fed-up of how the things were going on. That was when I decided to just breathe. I plugged in those earphones and I happened to listen to “Yaaron Chalo”. It made me nostalgic, I recalled that 15 days amazing train journey I undertook. That remembrance and those words of the song somehow rekindled a new faith in me. All this while my mind had been oscillating between two poles of “hopelessness” and “hope” and suddenly it stopped to again ponder over that “Lifeline experiment”. I did that experiment again. This time I was all me alone. I plotted my own highs and lows. I realised after every truce there is struggle and after every struggle there is truce.

And this is what makes journey of life unpredictable yet exciting and worth living. I decided yet again that I want to chase every dream I have. I may fail in my endeavour but at least I will not blame anyone for the failure I may endure. And it is always better to fail than not to try at all. I also realised that I am not meant to live a “settled” life; I cannot conform to externally imposed criteria or yardstick of “successful life”.

Honestly, I don’t want a successful life. All I want is a fruitful life, wherein I can put up my best not just for myself but also for others. And I understand that for living such life one has to pay an “opportunity cost”. I think I have already paid it and am indeed ready to pay it henceforth.

I could steer clear out of this nerve-wrenching turmoil thanks to the strong support system. When someone has that undying belief in whatever you do, when someone encourages you and when someone backs you for who you are – it means a lot. I think am privileged to have such beings around me. Besides, I admit that “Yatra” was one of the best things that happened to me. Thanks to all these, now I say to me – “You got this, girl!”  

Loser? Who?

So I was looking forward to April to be full of life and surprises (pleasant of course!). Nothing was going right, not even my writings. To my bad, it turns out that April is not my month. So far it has been full of disappointments & mental upheaval.

Last week, I finally gathered the entire world’s courage and expressed feelings I had for this guy to him. And guess what, I had to face outright rejection – rejection from the guy I loved the most. That heartbreak was the worst I ever had. I was so broken I called my friends up. To my disappointment, none of them pick my call. This is no new experience - when you need “your” people the most they are “unavailable”. I felt miserable, lonely & worthless. With great difficulty, I decided to keep this emotional turmoil aside and move on.   

Next day I committed another ‘mistake’. I am very vocal and interested in deliberations where ideas are discussed. Yes I agree, at times, these deliberations take form of debates and not everyone like it. Thing is, I have little tolerance towards “mental mediocrity” and also towards those who “talk without any thought behind such thought”. 

It so happened that I was discussing on “Indian society, current political discourse, role of media and what we as citizens can do etc.” with a friend of mine. Am seriously clueless what went wrong, but now we are “not allowed” to talk on the subject. It is a kind of ban that we are facing! I wonder what was offensive in such discussions - topic, orators or the information? It is difficult for me to live without expressing – feels like my brain may burst with ideas if I don’t discuss it. Besides, it is painful to watch people believe in “myths” as a “truth” in post-truth era. I feel helpless! Why?

I thought I was doing (read recovering) well after that heartbreak & muzzling of “voice & free speech”, when I, as a citizen, faced another set-back. This time in public life – and trust me it was worst of them all for me.

So the General Elections are going on. It is beauty of democracy that we get “to choose” our representatives. I expected at least in my city – Pune (one of the fastest growing city, “Oxford of the East” etc. etc.) people will come out to vote enthusiastically. To everyone’s disappointment, little over 50% voters bothered to cast their vote. I could not take this one well and went nuts. This one was the most painful disappointment.

It hurts to see so much of apathy on our part. I really fail to understand why people cannot step out to vote. What holds them back? What makes them “hope” less? Why do they fail to understand that every vote matters? Why procrastinate? Why not to participate & contribute our bit in nation-building?

From my personal experience I can say this thing upfront that right “to choose” is a “privilege”. Rejection is just another part of the story. This applies to public sphere as well. If we fail to choose, we miss out on chance to our own credibility. It is our own undoing…

April for sure is a month of losers. So who is the loser? Me? That guy who said no to me? Person who banned free speech? Citizen who went out to vote? Citizen who “chose” not to vote? System or Democracy? Who?

Only thought that gives me respite is that no matter how my personal life sucks am not the only loser! Peace

Refuge!

It is a moment of “sigh” when you realise that you are not being “escapist”. Being escapist means you tend to run away from reality or a thing that bothers you or a situation or an emotion. You avoid all this simply because you don’t want to get hurt or because you are not ready to accept the things for they might turn out to be unpleasant or go exact opposite to what you have expected.

Then what exactly is the moment that you sighed for? That is called as “Refuge”. And yes, every single human on this planet does that – everyone seek a refuge. So there is nothing new in that and most importantly there is nothing to be ashamed of it or feel guilty about it.

You seek refuge of a “lie” when you don’t want to tell the “truth” because you know a truth will do more harm than a lie can. You take a refuge of “silence” so that your mind doesn’t get shitty of whatever fucks world offers. You seek refuge of those creepy "apps" on your phone, the phone which you took out of your pocket in hope that you will get text from a person you expected will text you. Instead you keep fidgeting with those apps. That’s not fidgeting; it is going to the refuge of those apps in a hope of some comfort. You seek refuge of those "glares" because you don’t want to show that you had a sleepless night since you were weeping all throughout it.

You turn to that "extra, sugary tea or coffee" or go binge eating (comfort food to be honest), because something is not going that great inside. And even these foods and beverages are nothing but refuge. Those "six-strings" you play when nothing calm your soul as they do, even that music is refuge. That "tight hug" of your friend when you are all broken is nothing but a refuge.

You seek refuge of that "fake laughter" because you think that is how you will overcome of that painful heart-break. About heart-break….well, experience says, you will tend to get one or for that matter many blows because you fall for “people”. Everything is going fine and all-good and then shit happens – you start loving “People” or “humans”. Chuck it!

Most of our sufferings come from expectations. And expectations are outcome of trust, belief or affection towards a person. But then again, technically, you are at fault. Because these are "your" expectations and it hurts; these hurt more than that slap on your face. So what is your refuge this time? It is your “support system”. Support system could be your family or closest friends of yours or that Almighty sitting in temples or any other religious place. It could be anything.

I think we all need to be cultured to take refuge of something someone really like – like art, canvas-colours, papers-pens, books, pets, music, plants, nature etc. That is the more viable option, I suppose, because it has relatively lesser risk of being hurt back as in case of seeking refuge in “humans”. That is how you make "hurt-proof" humans. 

Pains, hurts or any kind of dangers/ threats would make you strong in longer run. Everything agreed. However, to manage in between of that process you need some refuge. Most important of the all this refuge is “Hope” – it helps reinforce belief and faith. Hold on to it. And chill, it is a universal truth; we, being human, are by default “refugees”. So sit back and breathe. This too shall pass!