These were one of the most trying
times in the recent past. It was as if inferiority complex was raining and as
if I was getting drenched in that anxiety; moreover, drowning in the frustration.
These conditions were very similar to what I had experienced before. I thought
that Black Dog is back again.
Black Dog is intelligent. He
sniffs that stress you are undergoing. You are going through that emotional
turmoil. And that is what attracts him and he is ready to leap on you and bite
off everything that comes his way. I was scared of him but I decided to scare
him away.
I tried to find out what was the
root cause of the stress, that anxiety, that complex which got into my head. I realised,
am at such age in my life where am expected to be “settled” (meaning – have highly
paid job, marriage, kids and what not). And that is precisely what I am
lacking. I do have a decent job (but job satisfaction? Well, who cares); however I
am expected to married and most importantly am expected to conform to every
other crap that society tries to throw at “women” so that she could be. It is
not that I haven’t tried fit in all these societal frames (read externally imposed);
however, each time I try, I fail to fit in and that creates stress.
Now I came to know that I cannot
take up that societal pressure anymore wherein I earn highly irrespective of
satisfaction and do “rights-things-should-happen-at-right-age-for-a-girl” (read
marriage-kids-family). And though these things may seem trivial or inevitable,
these cause real-time pain. You follow things just because you don’t want to
feel left out. And I certainly don’t fit or don’t even want to fit in all
these.
I was really fed-up of how the
things were going on. That was when I decided to just breathe. I plugged in
those earphones and I happened to listen to “Yaaron Chalo”. It made me
nostalgic, I recalled that 15 days amazing train journey I undertook. That remembrance
and those words of the song somehow rekindled a new faith in me. All this while
my mind had been oscillating between two poles of “hopelessness” and “hope” and
suddenly it stopped to again ponder over that “Lifeline experiment”. I did that
experiment again. This time I was all me alone. I plotted my own highs and
lows. I realised after every truce there is struggle and after every struggle
there is truce.
And this is what makes journey of
life unpredictable yet exciting and worth living. I decided yet again that I want to chase
every dream I have. I may fail in my endeavour but at least I will not blame
anyone for the failure I may endure. And it is always better to fail than not
to try at all. I also realised that I am not meant to live a “settled” life; I
cannot conform to externally imposed criteria or yardstick of “successful life”.
Honestly, I don’t want a
successful life. All I want is a fruitful life, wherein I can put up my best
not just for myself but also for others. And I understand that for living such
life one has to pay an “opportunity cost”. I think I have already paid it and
am indeed ready to pay it henceforth.
I could steer clear out of this nerve-wrenching turmoil thanks to the strong support system. When someone has
that undying belief in whatever you do, when someone encourages you and when
someone backs you for who you are – it means a lot. I think am privileged to
have such beings around me. Besides, I admit that “Yatra” was one of the best
things that happened to me. Thanks to all these, now I say to me – “You got
this, girl!”
