Void

Voids are no short of black-holes. They suck up life out of you. These voids could be outcome of anything, place, memory, person, opportunities you missed. 

It is as if something dark, destructive thing happening to you, that feeling that chokes you, that negativity which comes out of nowhere & surrounds you. It is as if like some mighty anaconda is squeezing & gulping you down. You can actually feel that breaking sound. That breaking sound is your own – you are breaking…bit by bit. You are helpless, hapless and hopeless in void.

In fact there in nothing that you feel in void. Even the feelings, emotions get sucked up in void. There is no way back out of it. You try to dodge it only to fall in another void. 

What is more frustrating is the cost which you paid willingly but it was not worth it. Everything seems unworthy. You have to pay cost for your dreams, your happiness but these elude you despite paying up that cost (in fact more than that). That is double whammy for you. You are no short of pauper since you paid that cost and you did not even get what you deserve.

When for every small thing, you pay such cost, you are pushed inch-by inch towards that void. And there comes a day when you realise you absolutely own nothing. That is void. That sinking feeling…

But still you have to get up and get going only in hope that coming time could be better than this. This “positive”, “get going” too may seem farce. So be it, if that the only thing that may help.

Worst feelings, no feelings, feeling euphoric are all part and parcel of this mystery called life. Life is that mystical thing that lures you. Problem is you are addicted to it and do not want to give up despite these voids. 

That vacuum is not going to get filled. Do not even bother to do it. Just try to survive it, because some days you don’t have to live….some days you just have to survive. And survival of the fittest is the basic law of the nature. Survive, come back strong, you got this!

Heart-breaks are new normal!

And now it is becoming a recurrent phenomenon, those weird nightmares, and those pressures of varied nature right from your age to your monetary standing to your relationship status. That keeps you up every single night. You don’t do much; rather you cannot do much than to stare at the ceiling and that dim light at night. That is one phase of extreme neutrality. No thoughts, no emotions, no rest, no good night sleep. And honestly that is how worst it can get.

It is difficult to live a life which you never desired for yourself. It is even more difficult to put up a brave face every single day and keep going, keep smiling as if nothing happened last night. And that is heart breaking. It is heart breaking because you are no more a person you want to be or that you try but fail. It is heart breaking, for two poles apart try to fit inside you.

It is one heck of excruciating pain which cannot be put in words. You feel like you are being cut into pieces and deep down you know there really isn’t anything that can heal you. These heart breaks are persistent.

It starts with a day – you get up to get ready to go the job which you really do not want to do; you do all that stuff that you had avoided all this while; you read, talk and laugh at things which you are not even willing to give much shit about, so as fit in that circle; you don’t get to see your besties more often; you talk to a guy/girl for whom you have developed strong, serious feelings but cannot say this to that person because you think it may damage your relation or that there might not really be any relation if you do so; you keep munching on that junk which you had consciously avoided before; you don't save a penny; you shop impulsively expecting it to fill your emptiness; you don’t believe that you can fight any more or you don’t see & pursue your dream. And the list goes on….

These are the moments when you can actually feel your heart breaking. No, there is no crackling sound or any audible sign of it. And yes it is only you who know this. This struggle constantly tears you apart from inside. You know you are dying inside, falling down and failing yourself with each coming moment and day. And it is devastating. Nothing actually works even though you try your best to come out of it.

Heart breaks are real, recurrent and new normal. You may think that this might make you immune to heart break. But no, such is not the case. In fact heart breaks remind you that you are grown-up person, no more a kid. Your heart becomes tender and rigid both as you grow-up. It does not mend easily. And it also reminds you that age is not just a number, it is a bloody and real-time phenomenon. It is like you want to confide all these daily losing but you don’t know whom to turn to. No one can really do anything about it. In all this you can actually sense whole pack of Black-Dogs staring at you, ready to pounce on you to bleed shit out of you.

And yes this struggle is real. Every single person on this earth goes through this daily. It is not just you alone! Some admit it, some choose to ignore. Some take actions to deal with it, some do nothing. It is everyone’s choosing. But it is this struggle against heart breaks, your daily battle with yourself, which is the sign of life. It is a phase of challenge but it is also a phase of opportunity. It is these everyday struggles and heart breaks that keep you going. It is these that instigate you to be hopeful that may be the coming moment or day or time might be better than the one that went by.

This sheer sign of life can make wonders. It shows you that you really have nothing to lose. It shows that you can kick-start again. It breathes in you a new zeal and energy. It is this aspect that tempts you to go for another shot at life! Savour this moment and these heart breaks, they are stepping stones for the better life. And yes, never forget - YOU MATTER!