He, Me & the struggles!

As I am writing this, am sure he must be dealing with his other clients. I am not his client; am his friend. But for me he is more than a friend. He is philosopher, guide, crisis manager, go-to buddy other than being therapist and anti-depressant.

I don’t know if it is his profession or his aura or his assuring smile or his serene face - whenever I go to him, he just helps me to successfully open up my bottled-up thoughts. Today was no different. I don’t know, he possesses that power to calm down my soul. Whenever am stuck-up and cannot move further in my life, I fix appointment with him.

So today’s was an intense session. He first asked me to puke out all those things that were bothering me. He is a great listener. He will never interfere until am done with. Hats off to his patience! I told him everything without any hesitance. I told him about the nightmares am having of late – recent being the one where I saw one of the most important person in my life die. I woke gasping for breath & I was sweating like a pig. I described my other nightmares too.

He said that too many things were going on my head simultaneously & he correctly pointed out my fears too. I told him about my biggest fears and inhibitions – about losing my loved ones, about my fucked-up career trajectory, about my relations with my friends, about my trust issues, about being directionless, about being disillusioned in life, about being un-settled, about my favourite things, about myself, about all the inferiority complex I have about my appearance, about getting old, about ending up all alone, about ending up in misery, about dying without doing anything fruitful for myself or anyone, about everyone hating me.

After handing me a glass of water he asked me to relax and take deep breaths. He unfolded my things for me – he told me upfront that when you think dualistically you end up limiting things. He told there is nothing correct or incorrect, early or late, failure or success. Having such “churnings” are part & parcel of life. As you grow up you got to think relatively and realistically. He said we succumb to different kinds of pressures – societal, peer, family or from ourselves. We tend to fail in adjusting our idealistic hopes with our realistic possibilities. And that’s an issue everyone struggles to cope with. Some succumb to it, some choose to ignore and some like you keep digging more. None is wrong, none is right and that is how the way it is.

You need to inculcate certain skills to address this. Don’t think of past – its long gone, past is in the past. Let go of things, let go of guilt, let of people. Forgive everyone including yourself; you are no God to be perfect. You are just a human and by that virtue you don’t own world’s all the problems. Like past, you should not be thinking of future too, in a sense you got to think it in shorter terms. Don’t think too far – 2 years henceforth. Make a feasible, workable plan to achieve all that you have planned. Keep writing different journals – journal everything – your thoughts, food you eat, memories, gratitude everything.

Expect less and accept more. Expect that you will face all kinds of "isms" - sexism, colorism, ageism, casteism & all different kinds of discrimination. Expect that life is never going to be a joy-ride. There will be the times when you will be back-stabbed, when you will be punched straight in your face by the surprises thrown by life. Be ready it. That will make you strong and that in fact what life is all about.  

Learn to live a minimalist life. De-clutter everything you don’t need any more. Don’t hesitate to cut-off toxic people, toxic friendships, and toxic relationships from your life. No need to beg love, no need to go behind people who don’t respect you or have no faith in you. Whosoever is meant to be in your life will remain anyway. Just remove all that unwanted stuff. Learn to stay calm and watch things neutrally. Everything is temporary.

In all this churning there will be times when you will feel hopeless, when your efforts will seem to be futile, your beliefs will get hurt; you will feel so low that you will feel like giving up. This is the exact moment, when you need to hang on. Just keep going but please don’t have any sense of entitlement. This is just a phase and it shall pass soon.

The lifeline activity we did shows that you have been through the worst phases in life earlier too where you felt like quitting, but you did not, and kept going. Just keep doing that. Take one thing at a time. Most importantly, invest in your health-physical & mental and also in your goals; that investment will never go fail howsoever worst be the recession. Keep up your spirits high buddy; you’ve got nothing to lose.

Talking to him gets me high! I thought I will document all this because I trust my poor memory. I know I will need this note for the future as well. Besides, I know many out there who are struggling at different levels. May this piece help you get some peace! 

Expectations? Burden?

Irritated, mad, anxious, nervous, stressed, frustrated (you may add more)! Every time you fail to fulfill an expectation, you feel either of these or all of these. And mind you these expectations which you die to fulfill, most of the times come from your loved ones or people close to you. Sometimes it is you – yourself expecting so many things.

So, the root cause of above mentioned mental states is expectations. Is it? May be or maybe not! Have you ever thought about it? It is not the expectations per se, it the burden/fear of inability to fulfill those expectations which makes you go mad every time you are short to fulfill those.

For example, if you take up an exam – you are “expected” to work hard and clear it. So is it really that burden to accomplish this expectation to “pass” or fear of failure to fulfill that expectation (not the thought of actual failing the exam) which drives you nuts?

Another example – You are assigned with the new task at your job. The thought that you will never again get a chance on the new task if you fail at it scares you more than inability to complete that task on time. May be because of this your boss, your colleagues will laugh at you, doubt your abilities, do back-bitching, never assign a good work to you, dim chances of promotion and what not – this precisely scares you more. It is the performance pressure and more importantly burden to fulfill the expectation.

Same applies to the personal life as well. All the time we are “expected” to do something, to become something – as a kid you are expected to study hard and get good grades; when you grow up you are expected to get a decent job; then you are expected to have (much celebrated) “stability” in life. And if there is even slightest change in this timeline – you are gone. Everyone at some point of time in their lives have to succumb to that disease of “Kya kehenge log”! (Worst of all the burdens)

But why should one carry this baggage of expectations in wonderful journey of life? These expectations lead to sorrow, that’s what Buddha said. It is fear of getting into that sorrow that frustrates you more. This fear or the fear of failing at fulfilling the expectations along with too much of dwelling in future thinking about the outcome/consequences add more burden than the expectations per se.

What can be done about it? Answer may be cliché, but being in “present” can help. You cannot reverse “past” so there is no point in going back. “Future” can be as desired, however, for that capital is the “present” itself. And seriously easier said than done, it is difficult to be in “present”. For that, one has to work consciously and practice mindfulness. Meditation works too. Honestly, I am no expert to say all this – whatever said is based on learning and experience. It is not that I succeed each day in this; however, you have to keep going despite all possible difficulties.

All fine, but what about expectations and its tag-along burden? For this, as of, I figured out that you are just another living creature on this planet. You are no God or whatever the mighty force. Practically, it is not possible to fulfill all the expectations from all including you. So you need to take a chill-pill. Besides, one also needs to stop expecting from others as well - because of these very expectations we start taking people for granted.

Also, instead of unnecessary futurist thoughts – try to focus on today. Take each day at a time. Try to live it to the fullest. Be in the moment. Seize the moment. Honestly, dwelling in “if-buts” of past or future are not that helpful. Better replace these thoughts with practical ones. One needs to nurture their mind with good things around.

Life is already full of difficulties. Why to make it more complicated by getting irritated, mad, anxious, nervous, stressed, frustrated or depressed. Among very few things, “mental state” is the one which is in our control, better be carefree and bother less! Relax, you don't own all the burden. Peace Out!