चल रे भोपळ्या टुणुक टुणुक

 

That day I was on my way back home from office, when my mind went on a trip to my childhood. 

I suddenly stumbled upon one of my favorite songs. It was a very famous story told in song format. I vividly remembered each and every word of that song, along with its tune, how dad sang it to me with expressions and how I imitated him and replicated those expressions. I started humming that song. 

It goes like: -

जंगल झाडीत वाघोबा लपले, म्हातारीला पाहुन खुदकन हसले

अग अग म्हातारे कुठे चालली, खाऊदे आता मला भुक लागली

थांब थांब वाघोबा मला जाऊदे, लेकीचे लाडू मला खाऊ दे

लाडू खाऊं होइल ताजी, मग कर हवी तर खुशाल भाजी

दोन तीन दिवसानी गंमत झाली, भोपळ्यात बसुन म्हातारी आली

वाघोबने भोपळा अडवला, भोपळ्याच्या आतुन आवाज आला

म्हातारी बितारी मला नाही ठाऊक, चल रे भोपळ्या टुणुक टुणुक

Everyone know that, it is story which tells how an old woman outwits a tiger in a jungle and saves her life.

I felt very nice and refreshed by this memory. I sang it twice. I was very happy – partly because I could recall it fully with tune, expressions and partly because I felt amazed by how our brains and mind functions. My inner child was happy and dancing.

I started wondering how these stories are made and passed onto us by our previous generations. How these stories hold the moral values, using metaphors to signify things, simplifying it so that a kid feels engaged and gets some message from it. I felt delighted.

I started to revisit it again & again in my mind, hitting replay button for more than ten times. I asked myself how as an adult will I interpret this song/ story. What could be its hidden message for me right now? Why is my mind repeating that song? What is it trying to indicate? I wondered. All of a sudden, that feeling of revelation seeped in. 

For me jungle symbolized our mind, which consists of so many known and unknown things (animals, creatures, plants & trees). Tiger is that one strong, solid, mighty, fierce, true yet scary ‘positive’ thought. Despite being all this, it is a lone one. Old woman represents that corrupt, biased, unproductive, negative thought, belief or habit that refuses to die. 

When that tiger confronts her to eat her up, it tries to escape to the distractions (old woman’s daughter). Those ladoos embodies things that feed our false egos and unproductive beliefs and biases and help them grow. It makes our negative or unhealthy thoughts, beliefs, habits so big that it has to be carried in a pumpkin. 

That pumpkin represents the भ्रम, delusion, misunderstanding that cover-up and protects the corrupt thoughts and biases and prevents the rationality or reality to come in and dismantle these prejudiced that we carry towards ourselves and others.

And yes, for a tiger these are hard to chase, catch and kill. So, majority of the time tiger turns out to be a loser. If you closely observe your mind, you will find that this happens zillions of times. It is difficult to break this pumpkin. भ्रमाचा भोपळा फुटत नाही!

It is therefore need of the hour to ‘save the tiger’ (no pun intended)! It is that lone and feeble thought that you need to nurture to kill the old-woman, her daughter, the ladoos and the pumpkin. And the best part it, you can start by observing within and identifying it for yourself.

Look how much you are biased, prejudiced towards others and yourself. Your brain gets hijacked by unproductive thoughts, emotions and you start holding grudges even when no on has said anything to you. You imagine things that don’t exist. This is how delusion is created that bars truth from entering in. And trust me, we start mistaking these delusions as truth and fact. This is how our perception is shaped which may further lead to complications in life.

Okay, we can work on ourself and do this. But what about the pumpkins that others carry? I’ll suggest, just sit quietly and observe these people engrossed in their own pumpkins. It is fun to watch them run around with their भ्रमाचा भोपळा. Just grab your popcorns and watch their show, while the tiger inside you is sitting and laughing! Let that tiger outwit the old woman henceforth.   

That “one” word!

(Trigger warning: Long read ahead & contains potentially distressing material)

 

Recently, two of my younger cousin sisters got married. Since then, every other person I meet, asks me just one single question – When are you getting married?

That question is a big put off for me. I end up mentally blocking that person with fake smile on my face. Why on the earth is my marriage or for that matter anyone’s marriage a public concern? Like seriously why don’t people understand it is a private affair between the two persons getting married. But we live in “Indian society” wherein marriage is an absolute sacred thing.

I am not opposed to those who are married or are willing to marry. I respect their choice. All I want is the equal respect for those who are willing to stay single. Why do you always have to build that peer pressure around such people to get married? Most of the times, I end the conversation at that question but for few whom I consider to be saner, I tell “Am yet to understand the concept” and then they end the conversation. They say “Marriage is not a rocket-science concept that you need time to understand”. I do have my own opinions and thoughts about marriage, which I am attempting to put once and for all.

Honestly, thinking of marriage that too in Indian context is really a complex concept. It is a social institution around which family unit is built. Let’s consider the family first!

Given the patriarchal society that we are, every family unit is basically a male-centric unit. It functions revolves around males or are designed in such a way to serve only the males in the family. Each and every decision that is taken, be it economic or social, is taken to favor these members more. Example – gender-based division of work. Females are supposed to engage in child bearing and rearing or has to stay indoors to look after the family while males go out to work and earn the bread.

There was a time when this arrangement did serve the purpose and hence had the utility. Now with changing times, more education, females going out for earning etc. things have transformed drastically and this system has outgrown its utility. 

We now condition our daughters to look after household chores while also encouraging them to go out learn, earn and be independent. These “need of the hour” stuff is very well imbibed in them. However, while raising the sons, same is not followed. They still are raised to be just “bread-winners". They are never taught to take responsibility of their homes “at homes”.

Example – If a daughter has a job/ school/ college in the morning, she is expected to get up early – cook food for herself – for the family, make breakfast and then go. Also, when she is back, she has to take up the remaining chores at home. Same doesn’t happen with a son. If he has to go at job in the morning, usually mom or sister will wake up – cook food and make sure that by the time son wakes up & gets ready to go, his breakfast and tiffin is ready. Also, when he is back, he gets ready cup of tea in hand. And it is absolutely fine if doesn’t pick a dish after dinner let alone do cooking/ cleaning or any other chore.

While we condition our daughters to take up the responsibility of serving everyone at home and balancing their studies/ work, we are totally oblivious of conditioning our sons the same way. That creates the “superiority” in their mind – females should serve us and we are “entitled” to each and everything without fighting for it. I do agree now things are changing with nuclear families and single child in the family etc. Yet, more or less this set-up continues. That is how family unit is designed, to perpetuate the patriarchal mindset.

Now why have I dwelled on concept of “family unit” first? Simply because one of the purposes of marriage to form or continue this unit. And this is where I my main objection on the concept of “marriage” arises. In patriarchal society like ours, institution of marriage disproportionately benefits males. It fosters the undue privileges that are already been enjoyed by them. I am attempting to put it in a chart, so that I don’t miss out any point I want to make here:

Female/ Wife/ Daughter	Male/ Husband/ Son
At marriage, we do “kanyadaan”.	No such “putradaan” exists
Dowry to in-laws & husband - “because one member is getting added to their family and hence increased pressure on resources”	No such payment to wife or her family. No compensation, for taking away their resource.
Wear that tag on your neck – Mangalsutra, put bindi	No such visible tag he is required to carry
Wear “dhang ke kapde” – salwar suit, saadi - even when whole of your life you were wearing it occasionally.	Not a single change in dressing style
Stree-dhan – that usually goes in husband’s family wealth	Wife’s family is supposed to buy jewellery for their “damadji”
Have to leave parents’ home – If you are at age 25+ and still with parents, you are “burden on parents”	Does not have to leave parents’ home – and it doesn’t matter if you are at age 35+, you can stay with parents because there is no one to look after your parents! (Duh! This hypocrisy!)
Serve to each and every demand of husband and his family, take care of family	No need to do anything for wife or her family. (And why to do, you are already feeding her for “free” in “your house”)
Restrictions on meeting even calling own parents – “her mom interferes a lot you know”	No such restrictions – in fact 24/7 presence of his parents does not amount to interference
Not utter a single word against or resist any physical/ sexual/ mental/ emotional/ financial harassment	Can use wife anyhow, any time, at whims – because am your “patidev/ malak” and marital rapes are not recognized in India
Mobility restricted - is not allowed to venture out alone to meet own parents/ friends (even though this badly hampers her existing support system)	Can go out anywhere, anytime without any check. No any effect on mobility.
Past relationship/ any addiction is big taboo – ghar ki ijjat is at stake	No such taboo – in fact it is justified citing stress etc.
Child bearing and rearing	Zero support in child “bearing”, limited support in child rearing
By default, is considered as less ambitious, hence has to let go of every hobby, jobs requiring changing cities and is expected to sacrifice it all for the family (Women can only have a job, not a career)	He is ambitious, his career is important, if he change the city – you leave your job and settle with him
Always addressed by husband’s name -like Mrs. XYZ	No such requirement
In case of divorce, all hell break loose and she is branded as the “disgrace” and finds it difficult to get acceptance in society or re-marry	It is relatively easy to re-marry and get acceptance in society

 

I am not belittling males here. However, we have to agree that marriage and family system unreasonably favor males at the cost of females. They are systematically sub-ordinated and they accept this at their fate. This flawed and biased system repeals me to get into it. 

Being a woman, there is not a single thing in marriage that appeals me or protects my interest or value add to my existing being. Therefore, I always consider myself and agree that am a misfit in this system; a system which is not based on equality and just thrives on what “sacrifices” that females are required to make. I know to the core I can never be so malleable to fit into each and every requirement (also not half of it) or tick-boxes that a “wife” or “daughter-in-law” shall click.

I endeavor to uphold my independent thinking, freedom to work, freedom to exercise choices, which I think are supreme than this system. It is therefore most of the people around me, think that I am rigid in my thoughts or cannot step back if required. So, I think am going to end up being alone.

It is not that I hate males or anything. I do respect them. However, to find the one who treats me like an equal human or who believe in sharing responsibilities, and who knows how to balance the conflicts & each others’ interests, has un-patriarchal mindset or one who believes in feminism and women empowerment is a “near-zero” possibility. It is too much of expectation. And that makes me skeptical to get into this institution of “marriage”. The day I find such guy and if he consents, I will marry happily.

Besides, I know I am so insignificant to change the existing systems that even if I write my thoughts or do not express them, it doesn’t matter. However, I had to pour my heart out. Grateful to my dad for always encouraging me to turn to writing for expressing my feelings.

Peace out!

Learning to live without her

It’s been a month already!

What has changed? Technically nothing. Normal routine still goes on – wake-up, go to office, work, come back, study, eat, sleep, repeat.

But you know what? Everything has changed – not physically but mentally, emotionally and psychologically. That is an impact a person has on you. Ajji passed away exactly a month ago. I did attend all her last rites. Still am yet to come to terms with her death.

At conscious level, I know she is no more. However, this thing is yet to sink into the subconscious part. Every time I leave house to go out, I search for her - waiting for her to bless me abundantly in her own style “khup khup Ashirwad”. I yearn for her love-filled touch as she caressed my face while blessing me. I badly miss her “checklist” so much so that, a day before yesterday I forgot my watch and mobile and had to come back home to take those. 

It’s not that my parents or siblings don’t care about me but I miss what Ajji said every single day before I left – “Did you have breakfast? Did you take your tiffin? Helmet? Drive safe and come home early”. I felt loved and wanted.

The other day, I was coming from Mandai area and a thought passed – what should I take – shengdana or chana? What will Ajji eat? And very next moment I realized she is no more. She used to like such “khau” including chocolates, fruits – not because she wanted to eat those but because she loved to give it to all and anyone who came to see her. Potato wafers was her favorite. 

Whenever I came back from office, we had this typical dialogue –

“Pana, alis ka?”

“Ho Ajji. Tula kasa kalala”

“To sanitizer cha vaas ala”

“Kevdhi hushar ahes tu Ajji. Kasla barobar olakhtes”. Then she used to smile showing happiness that am back home and safe. Sometimes I used to talk to her in changed tone – “Shinde Ajji ahe ka?” even then she used to recognize it was me.

I was privileged to have Ajji by my side through out my life. May be that is why it difficult to imagine life without her. For every act or decision, we took, she was integral to it. How a simple act or decision of ours would impact her, was the predominant thought for last so many years – example be it as trivial as going out for few hours or as big as going out for few days. And habit is now so ingrained, that even now when we think, first thought comes is how will it impact Ajji. That is when that void is felt so hard. Her not being around has drastically changed everything on emotional, mental and psychological level. It seems like the purpose is lost. Emptiness itches like anything.      

That is when I force myself to reflect on her life. All her life, Ajji was an amazing person. Always cheerful, grateful for everything and everyone around her, blessing everyone abundantly, letting go of bad things, never had any grudges on anyone, made sure whoever comes to her doesn’t go empty handed and that too without expecting anything in return. Just keep going, was her mantra. I tell myself to try and to imbibe these traits of her in me. That is the sure way to not just become a better person, but the best tribute that can possibly be given to her.

Trying hard to heal but still, I badly miss her. Hope her soul has found higher purpose! All I remind myself is:

क्या लेके आया जगत में,

क्या लेके जाएगा,

दो दिन की जिंदगी है,

दो दिन का मेला।

Ajji

 

The last week I monitored her glucose, it showed 881 on glucometer. It was way too high. Sometime earlier, doctor had told that sugar levels above 500 means patient can slip into coma and should be hospitalized. It was a conscious decision to not get her admitted. It was her desire to breathe her last at home and not in the hospital entangled in needles and saline.

Since September 2021 she was bedridden. She was immobile. She could not do any single activity on her own. She was now truly dependent. All of us were occupied and hence decided to hire a care-taker to look after her. Prachi was thus officially relieved as her care-taker. Yet, she very often missed her college to look after her along with Alka Kaku. She missed her college last week too. All this for our 91 year old baby!

Yes, we had a baby at our home. Her name was Pushpa Shinde. By relation she was our beloved Ajji (Grandma), but for us she was our baby. And I realized that she is just like a baby only in September 2021. Till then for me she was my Ajji – with whom I shared love and hate relationship. Sometimes, it so difficult to accept the fact that your loved ones especially your parents and grandparents are getting old!

Earlier during lockdown, when my anxiety, stress had taken over me, (am too ashamed to admit) I used to misbehave a lot with Ajji. At times I even yelled at her when she kept repeating the same thing again and again & also when she did not listen to me. I thought she is being attention-seeker and got irritated by her behavior. My Dad then used to tell me, “Pana let it be. Old age is like childhood. Though your Ajji is old, she is just like a child and will keep on repeating the same thing.” I used to get angrier at this statement with my “rational” mind thinking that she behaves like this purposefully. I used to compare her with Baba and thought, Baba was quiet an obedient "child"; but this child is difficult to handle. I forgot, each child is unique!

Come September – everything changed. I realized Dad was right. It took my Ajji to be bedridden to make me understand this - Old age is just like childhood. Now, Ajji could not move on her own, she could not get up on her own. She could not even hold a glass of water. For every single thing from eating to bathing to cleaning she was dependent on us. Just like a baby, like a child. I felt pity on myself to realize it so late. Since then she became my kid.

My friends often used to nag me on when will I get married, when will I have kids etc. I thought for being mother it is not necessary to have kid born from your womb. For me my Ajji was my baby.

Because of day-job I could get back to her only at night. It was so satisfying to feed her. It was a routine, Prachi and I used to feed her, change her diaper and put her to sleep. Whenever she finished her bowl of rice/ milk-roti, I used to say, “who is my good girl?” and she replied, “Its me.” She loved soups that I made for her.

One day I rested my head on her lap; though it was difficult for her to move her hand, yet she caressed my head. I felt so blessed for those moments. Every morning when I left for office, she had checklist for me before I leave – Did you have breakfast? Did you take your tiffin? Did you take your helmet? Ride safe and come home soon, loads of blessings (khup khup ashirwad). She never allowed me to leave without this.

Even on Monday, when I told her am going, she attempted to gather all her energies to say bye to me. Little did I know that this was the last goodbye!

Last few months have been most trying times not just for her but for us too. It was painful to watch her health deteriorate so badly. Her glucose levels fluctuated from 26 to 800+. Yet she kept on fighting. Indeed she was resilient. She had seen worst of days in her life - physically, emotionally and mentally. She had lost her closest kin – father, mother, brother, sister, husband, son, daughter-in-law all in front of her eyes. She had also undergone a by-pass surgery. Since last two years, all her senses faded slowly but steadily. That pain or that suffering is beyond one’s imagination.

However, she was blessed with very good memory. She remembered all my friends. She remember my school name, name of my office, my teacher even how much marks I got when I cleared CS exam. She even remembered how Bunny had bite Prachi on her head 😉 Bunny got legitimization as a member of our family only after her approval. All her life she has been so kind and loving not just to humans but all too animals around.  

I consider myself to be lucky to have lived in her shadow for 32 years of my life. My Dad brought me to Pune when I was just 1.5 years old. So technically, my Ajji was my Aai during my formative years. She fed me my favourite milk-rice, varan-chapati, made my favorite pohe, thalipeeth, khichadi & packed them in my lunch box on my picnics. She gave me pocket money when I was in school. She literally spoiled me with her love. I don’t remember that I’ve spoken so much, confided my secrets ever to my parents; but my Ajji knew it all because I was most comfortable with her. She was there throughout my successes and failures.

I remember during my 10^th results, I was crying like anything because I got less marks than I expected. Ajji came to me, consoled me said to be a successful or a better person it doesn’t matter how much you score and then she too started crying with me. Whenever I was mad and said I don’t want to have food, she said – if you don’t eat, even I will not eat. And then she fed small morsels with her own hands.

Sometimes she seemed tired of living and said, “God should allow me to die.” I used to say, “Ajji Heaven is house-full now. You won’t get ticket any time soon.” She used to smile.

She knew I like sweets, so she kept at least one peda for me each day. When I came home from office she gave it to me. She made sure I carry fruits every day. She gave me unconditional love, care and life lessons on how to be better person. She used to say if you can’t do any good to others it is still okay as long as you don’t do any bad to them. She used to share whatever she had with all of us.

I feel am extremely lucky that I got to share my life with her. It is difficult to imagine life without her being around. Her presence itself was so assuring. She gave me blessings whole-heartedly even when I had no capacity to receive it. It was so foolish of me to be rude and arrogant to her at time. Yet she chose not curse me or hold any grudges. She always gave gratitude for her kids, daughters-in-law, grandkids.

Now that she has left us, there is irreplaceable void in life. It feels like my final refuge has gone. I feel like that abandoned bird whose nest got destroyed because tree that was hosting it got uprooted. This loss will take ages to heal.

I will miss you Ajji a lot! Thank you so much for inspiring me to be a better human. May Almighty bless your soul with higher purpose! Love You!

-        -Pana