What is it?

In general I was taking stock of life and I realized so much have happened, since my last birthday…..Life is all topsy-turvy. It’s just a span of a year. Yet way too many things have happened that I can recollect hardly few. Thanks to my poor memory!

This day that year, I was busy preparing for my CSE Main exam. Food, Study, Health – were my only priority. Eat-Study-Sleep-Repeat was my simple daily routine. I was so focused. I was busy chasing my long cherished dream. I was content with that life. In short my life was sorted, I thought.

Exams came and went. Honestly, I was contemplating two outcomes of it – one, that I clear Main and focus on interview and two, I take a break and get back to my profession to allow myself to take things from different perspective. Everything was set. My preparations for the former were full throttle.

New Year came and shit happened. I failed to clear the CSE Main Exam. Though I anticipated it as one of the outcome, clearly I was not well prepared to take this failure. Success and failure are part and parcel of our lives. However, it is very sad and extremely painful to watch your dreams crushing. Even today I don’t know why this happened, why it had to happen that way and what course my life will take there on.  Yet I decided to celebrate my failure. I went out for dinner with my lovely sisters. We had night rides. It was amazing. I thought that this reverse-psychology might help me come out of my failure. But it did not.

I was not out of it. It was just an exam yet I could not get over it. It may be thus because I had given it all, all that was humanly possible for me. And so I was expecting things to happen the way I want them to. But life is not about this. It is way too unpredictable and beyond my comprehension at times. All you can do is try your best you can never control the outcome of any of your actions. That’s the way life is. It was one of the worst phases I have ever had.

Then I had too many nightmares in during that period. I dreamt of someone killing me, me getting run over by some heavy vehicles, profusely bleeding and bruised. Indeed I was depressed. I even thought of getting some psychological help for that.

Around that same time I guess, I accidentally saw my neighbor burning himself down. He had committed suicide out of depression. That incident too left deep impact on me. You cannot just take your own life like that. Suicide is no option. Life is the best gift you can ever get. It is precious and you just get it once. You got to make the best out of it. Though negatively, this incident inspired me to take a different look at my own life.

I am living a very privileged life. I have home to live in. I have parents who always support and encourage in whatever I do. I have loving family. I have been given education. Every damn possible thing has been done for me to make me independent. Yet, at times I feel depressed and get easily frustrated.

This life however, never fails to surprise me. Just when I thought I will be just another jobless, unemployed youth of this country, I got a job. It was indeed a new start for me. Everything was new to me, people, work, environment…. I thought I could never blend in this one and fail here as well. I was very skeptical and mostly importantly cynical. Here again life surprised me. I met a good lot of people. Each day I get to learn too many new things. I have done so many things I never ever thought of doing.

In this journey of one year, I got an opportunity to meet so many people. Life has taught me one very important lesson. You think you know a person, you bank on them and they are one to leave you first when you are in deep shit. People talk all good on media or even on face. But never trust words, trust actions. There is this famous song “Sukh ke sab saathi, dukh me na koi”…..However, life has also made me realise who are my people. These are the one with whom I may not have daily contact, but they are the one who will do every damn thing possible if I ask them to do so. They have this faith and trust in me and I wonder why. They have been there with me and for me ever since I was nothing at all. I guess it is my sheer good luck to have these heads in my life. So the crux is life will bring you bad as well as good. Just have little patience.

As of, I don’t clearly know what I want from my life. I am clueless where it is heading. I also don’t know what my dreams are or whether I should have one. Yet one thing is for sure, as long as I have life, I know I have an opportunity and thus I have a hope and belief. Till then I’ll try to make best out of what life serves me on my platter. It’s better to be undernourished than starve to death!