The last week I monitored her glucose, it
showed 881 on glucometer. It was way too high. Sometime earlier, doctor had
told that sugar levels above 500 means patient can slip into coma and should be
hospitalized. It was a conscious decision to not get her admitted. It was her
desire to breathe her last at home and not in the hospital entangled in needles
and saline.
Since September 2021 she was bedridden. She was
immobile. She could not do any single activity on her own. She was now truly
dependent. All of us were occupied and hence decided to hire a care-taker to
look after her. Prachi was thus officially relieved as her care-taker. Yet, she
very often missed her college to look after her along with Alka Kaku. She missed
her college last week too. All this for our 91 year old baby!
Yes, we had a baby at our home. Her name was
Pushpa Shinde. By relation she was our beloved Ajji (Grandma), but for us she
was our baby. And I realized that she is just like a baby only in September
2021. Till then for me she was my Ajji – with whom I shared love and hate
relationship. Sometimes, it so difficult to accept the fact that your loved
ones especially your parents and grandparents are getting old!
Earlier during lockdown, when my anxiety, stress
had taken over me, (am too ashamed to admit) I used to misbehave a lot with Ajji.
At times I even yelled at her when she kept repeating the same thing again and
again & also when she did not listen to me. I thought she is being
attention-seeker and got irritated by her behavior. My Dad then used to tell
me, “Pana let it be. Old age is like childhood. Though your Ajji is old, she is
just like a child and will keep on repeating the same thing.” I used to get angrier
at this statement with my “rational” mind thinking that she behaves like this
purposefully. I used to compare her with Baba and thought, Baba was quiet an obedient "child"; but this child is difficult to handle. I forgot, each child is unique!
Come September – everything changed. I realized
Dad was right. It took my Ajji to be bedridden to make me understand this - Old
age is just like childhood. Now, Ajji could not move on her own, she could not
get up on her own. She could not even hold a glass of water. For every single
thing from eating to bathing to cleaning she was dependent on us. Just like a
baby, like a child. I felt pity on myself to realize it so late. Since then she
became my kid.
My friends often used to nag me on when will I
get married, when will I have kids etc. I thought for being mother it is not
necessary to have kid born from your womb. For me my Ajji was my baby.
Because of day-job I could get back to her only
at night. It was so satisfying to feed her. It was a routine, Prachi and I used
to feed her, change her diaper and put her to sleep. Whenever she finished her
bowl of rice/ milk-roti, I used to say, “who is my good girl?” and she replied,
“Its me.” She loved soups that I made for her.
One day I rested my head on her lap; though it
was difficult for her to move her hand, yet she caressed my head. I felt so
blessed for those moments. Every morning when I left for office, she had
checklist for me before I leave – Did you have breakfast? Did you take your
tiffin? Did you take your helmet? Ride safe and come home soon, loads of
blessings (khup khup ashirwad). She never allowed me to leave without this.
Even on Monday, when I told her am going, she
attempted to gather all her energies to say bye to me. Little did I know that
this was the last goodbye!
Last few months have been most trying times not
just for her but for us too. It was painful to watch her health deteriorate so
badly. Her glucose levels fluctuated from 26 to 800+. Yet she kept on fighting.
Indeed she was resilient. She had seen worst of days in her life - physically, emotionally and mentally. She had lost
her closest kin – father, mother, brother, sister, husband, son, daughter-in-law
all in front of her eyes. She had also undergone a by-pass surgery. Since last
two years, all her senses faded slowly but steadily. That pain or that
suffering is beyond one’s imagination.
However, she was blessed with very good memory.
She remembered all my friends. She remember my school name, name of my office,
my teacher even how much marks I got when I cleared CS exam. She even remembered
how Bunny had bite Prachi on her head 😉 Bunny got legitimization as a
member of our family only after her approval. All her life she has been so kind
and loving not just to humans but all too animals around.
I consider myself to be lucky to have lived in
her shadow for 32 years of my life. My Dad brought me to Pune when I was just
1.5 years old. So technically, my Ajji was my Aai during my formative years.
She fed me my favourite milk-rice, varan-chapati, made my favorite pohe,
thalipeeth, khichadi & packed them in my lunch box on my picnics. She gave
me pocket money when I was in school. She literally spoiled me with her love. I
don’t remember that I’ve spoken so much, confided my secrets ever to my
parents; but my Ajji knew it all because I was most comfortable with her. She
was there throughout my successes and failures.
I remember during my 10th results, I
was crying like anything because I got less marks than I expected. Ajji came to
me, consoled me said to be a successful or a better person it doesn’t matter
how much you score and then she too started crying with me. Whenever I was mad
and said I don’t want to have food, she said – if you don’t eat, even I will
not eat. And then she fed small morsels with her own hands.
Sometimes she seemed tired of living and said, “God
should allow me to die.” I used to say, “Ajji Heaven is house-full now. You won’t
get ticket any time soon.” She used to smile.
She knew I like sweets, so she kept at least
one peda for me each day. When I came home from office she gave it to me. She
made sure I carry fruits every day. She gave me unconditional love, care and life
lessons on how to be better person. She used to say if you can’t do any good to
others it is still okay as long as you don’t do any bad to them. She used to
share whatever she had with all of us.
I feel am extremely lucky that I got to share
my life with her. It is difficult to imagine life without her being around. Her
presence itself was so assuring. She gave me blessings whole-heartedly even
when I had no capacity to receive it. It was so foolish of me to be rude and arrogant to her at time. Yet she chose not
curse me or hold any grudges. She always gave gratitude for her kids, daughters-in-law, grandkids.
Now that she has left us, there is irreplaceable
void in life. It feels like my final refuge has gone. I feel like that abandoned
bird whose nest got destroyed because tree that was hosting it got uprooted. This
loss will take ages to heal.
I will miss you Ajji a lot! Thank you so much
for inspiring me to be a better human. May Almighty bless your soul with higher
purpose! Love You!
- -Pana
