Existential Crisis!

(Caution: Long read ahead!)

That day a friend asked, “So Pranoti! Where do you see yourself in next 5 years? What are your plans for yourself?”

To be honest I had no answer for the question he posed. I took it as “When you gonna get settled?” This was so because of late too many, almost every random person in my life has asked me that question. Obviously, most of the times it is out of concern and the other times it is asked sarcastically just to highlight my failed ventures.

“Am taking life day-by-day and seriously have no future plans”, was my answer to my friend. We both knew it was just a miserable attempt to kill the question that, I bet, plaque many like me. I wonder how they tackle this. I will choose to talk for myself.

At this particular point of time, I have no clue to answer that question. As a matter of fact, I lack understanding of the concept called “getting or being settled”. For me, humanity settled when it evolved art of agriculture. That is my limited understanding on the subject.

Being born in typical middle class Indian family, my life till now has revolved around “getting decent education so as to get decent job”. I have decent education and the so-called decent job. Am having decent 10-6 job with timely payment and thanks to this, I get some “respect” in social circle. So I think am “settled”. But all hell breaks loose, when question of “marriage” comes.

I don’t understand this thing. Just when you think you are done with one thing to make you settle, another thing gets added to the list. Now people are bugging me with this “When are you going to get married? When are going to settle?” And am like am already “settled” (as per their definition of “settled”). But who gives a shit! Just because of am a girl, sorry unmarried young woman, I indirectly become “responsibility” of all the social circles who insist me to “get married and settled”. 

I find this disgusting, the only relief being my parents. They are cool when it comes to this and think I should do what I think is proper for myself. But am so sure some or the other day, they too are going to surrender to the mounting peer-pressure. I feel sorry for them. It must be difficult to raise a stubborn, problem child like me.

I seriously have no plans for marriage as of now especially when I myself don’t feel that am settled. I think I belong to that clan of “nomads” who never “settle” at one place. I know that I have a job, but I also know that I seriously do not consider it as my career. I don’t know where my heart lays, but it is certainly not what Am now into. So I think I will try out whatever options are available at my disposal. It is therefore I feel my inability to have, plan and raise my own family.

And by doing this, I know I am putting myself at the risk of being ridiculed and called as confused, distracted, fuzzy, insincere even dishonest. But I am helpless. Deep down am constantly torn between “You-should-do-what-you-feel-is-right-for-you” and “let-things-happen-at-they-are-meant-to-happen-and-get-settled”. I am continually oscillating between these two poles and I feel that am hanging on some trapeze. Once I lose hold on it, I know am going to fall in some murky shit in which hides the “Black Dog”. I don’t want it to bite me. It eats up everything. And I seriously don’t want to die like that. It is one hard place to be in.

This thought makes me tilt to side of “let-things-happen-at-they-are-meant-to-happen-and-get-settled”. I see many souls around me like that. They have a set routine and have trivial, materialistic goals. For that they work hard, kill their inner voice and conform to what “others” say so as to avoid “What will others (people) say?” They don’t confront things. And it is them who live a relatively decent and “settled” life. But they are broken souls. They just thrive and don't live. 

However, I have issue with this kind of living. How can one live when one is not at peace with oneself? How can one live for sake of others? Go to school-you’ll get at a job. Get a job-get married. Get married-have kids. Have kids- plan for other worldly needs like vacationing, cars, house etc. and the list goes on. This definition of “getting settled” pushes me to “You-should-do-what-you-feel-is-right-for-you”. But the associated risks are mentioned earlier.

These questions, these thoughts plaque me every-fucking-single-moment I live. Yes, I get dreams (read nightmares) of these only. I seriously consider getting help of psychiatrist for this. This is abnormal it seems. Am eager to know what is right? Which way to go? Which path to choose? At times I feel life is too short to find answer for these questions. May be I’ll die as unsatisfied and confused soul. Does anyone have answer to these? Is anybody listening? How bad is this? Do I really have free will? This is one heck existential crisis.