That “one” word!

(Trigger warning: Long read ahead & contains potentially distressing material)

 

Recently, two of my younger cousin sisters got married. Since then, every other person I meet, asks me just one single question – When are you getting married?

That question is a big put off for me. I end up mentally blocking that person with fake smile on my face. Why on the earth is my marriage or for that matter anyone’s marriage a public concern? Like seriously why don’t people understand it is a private affair between the two persons getting married. But we live in “Indian society” wherein marriage is an absolute sacred thing.

I am not opposed to those who are married or are willing to marry. I respect their choice. All I want is the equal respect for those who are willing to stay single. Why do you always have to build that peer pressure around such people to get married? Most of the times, I end the conversation at that question but for few whom I consider to be saner, I tell “Am yet to understand the concept” and then they end the conversation. They say “Marriage is not a rocket-science concept that you need time to understand”. I do have my own opinions and thoughts about marriage, which I am attempting to put once and for all.

Honestly, thinking of marriage that too in Indian context is really a complex concept. It is a social institution around which family unit is built. Let’s consider the family first!

Given the patriarchal society that we are, every family unit is basically a male-centric unit. It functions revolves around males or are designed in such a way to serve only the males in the family. Each and every decision that is taken, be it economic or social, is taken to favor these members more. Example – gender-based division of work. Females are supposed to engage in child bearing and rearing or has to stay indoors to look after the family while males go out to work and earn the bread.

There was a time when this arrangement did serve the purpose and hence had the utility. Now with changing times, more education, females going out for earning etc. things have transformed drastically and this system has outgrown its utility. 

We now condition our daughters to look after household chores while also encouraging them to go out learn, earn and be independent. These “need of the hour” stuff is very well imbibed in them. However, while raising the sons, same is not followed. They still are raised to be just “bread-winners". They are never taught to take responsibility of their homes “at homes”.

Example – If a daughter has a job/ school/ college in the morning, she is expected to get up early – cook food for herself – for the family, make breakfast and then go. Also, when she is back, she has to take up the remaining chores at home. Same doesn’t happen with a son. If he has to go at job in the morning, usually mom or sister will wake up – cook food and make sure that by the time son wakes up & gets ready to go, his breakfast and tiffin is ready. Also, when he is back, he gets ready cup of tea in hand. And it is absolutely fine if doesn’t pick a dish after dinner let alone do cooking/ cleaning or any other chore.

While we condition our daughters to take up the responsibility of serving everyone at home and balancing their studies/ work, we are totally oblivious of conditioning our sons the same way. That creates the “superiority” in their mind – females should serve us and we are “entitled” to each and everything without fighting for it. I do agree now things are changing with nuclear families and single child in the family etc. Yet, more or less this set-up continues. That is how family unit is designed, to perpetuate the patriarchal mindset.

Now why have I dwelled on concept of “family unit” first? Simply because one of the purposes of marriage to form or continue this unit. And this is where I my main objection on the concept of “marriage” arises. In patriarchal society like ours, institution of marriage disproportionately benefits males. It fosters the undue privileges that are already been enjoyed by them. I am attempting to put it in a chart, so that I don’t miss out any point I want to make here:

Female/ Wife/ Daughter	Male/ Husband/ Son
At marriage, we do “kanyadaan”.	No such “putradaan” exists
Dowry to in-laws & husband - “because one member is getting added to their family and hence increased pressure on resources”	No such payment to wife or her family. No compensation, for taking away their resource.
Wear that tag on your neck – Mangalsutra, put bindi	No such visible tag he is required to carry
Wear “dhang ke kapde” – salwar suit, saadi - even when whole of your life you were wearing it occasionally.	Not a single change in dressing style
Stree-dhan – that usually goes in husband’s family wealth	Wife’s family is supposed to buy jewellery for their “damadji”
Have to leave parents’ home – If you are at age 25+ and still with parents, you are “burden on parents”	Does not have to leave parents’ home – and it doesn’t matter if you are at age 35+, you can stay with parents because there is no one to look after your parents! (Duh! This hypocrisy!)
Serve to each and every demand of husband and his family, take care of family	No need to do anything for wife or her family. (And why to do, you are already feeding her for “free” in “your house”)
Restrictions on meeting even calling own parents – “her mom interferes a lot you know”	No such restrictions – in fact 24/7 presence of his parents does not amount to interference
Not utter a single word against or resist any physical/ sexual/ mental/ emotional/ financial harassment	Can use wife anyhow, any time, at whims – because am your “patidev/ malak” and marital rapes are not recognized in India
Mobility restricted - is not allowed to venture out alone to meet own parents/ friends (even though this badly hampers her existing support system)	Can go out anywhere, anytime without any check. No any effect on mobility.
Past relationship/ any addiction is big taboo – ghar ki ijjat is at stake	No such taboo – in fact it is justified citing stress etc.
Child bearing and rearing	Zero support in child “bearing”, limited support in child rearing
By default, is considered as less ambitious, hence has to let go of every hobby, jobs requiring changing cities and is expected to sacrifice it all for the family (Women can only have a job, not a career)	He is ambitious, his career is important, if he change the city – you leave your job and settle with him
Always addressed by husband’s name -like Mrs. XYZ	No such requirement
In case of divorce, all hell break loose and she is branded as the “disgrace” and finds it difficult to get acceptance in society or re-marry	It is relatively easy to re-marry and get acceptance in society

 

I am not belittling males here. However, we have to agree that marriage and family system unreasonably favor males at the cost of females. They are systematically sub-ordinated and they accept this at their fate. This flawed and biased system repeals me to get into it. 

Being a woman, there is not a single thing in marriage that appeals me or protects my interest or value add to my existing being. Therefore, I always consider myself and agree that am a misfit in this system; a system which is not based on equality and just thrives on what “sacrifices” that females are required to make. I know to the core I can never be so malleable to fit into each and every requirement (also not half of it) or tick-boxes that a “wife” or “daughter-in-law” shall click.

I endeavor to uphold my independent thinking, freedom to work, freedom to exercise choices, which I think are supreme than this system. It is therefore most of the people around me, think that I am rigid in my thoughts or cannot step back if required. So, I think am going to end up being alone.

It is not that I hate males or anything. I do respect them. However, to find the one who treats me like an equal human or who believe in sharing responsibilities, and who knows how to balance the conflicts & each others’ interests, has un-patriarchal mindset or one who believes in feminism and women empowerment is a “near-zero” possibility. It is too much of expectation. And that makes me skeptical to get into this institution of “marriage”. The day I find such guy and if he consents, I will marry happily.

Besides, I know I am so insignificant to change the existing systems that even if I write my thoughts or do not express them, it doesn’t matter. However, I had to pour my heart out. Grateful to my dad for always encouraging me to turn to writing for expressing my feelings.

Peace out!